11 4 / 2014

               That’s not chocolate soft serve with hands. It’s poop. Nicely swirled and ready to infect you with all sorts of horrible diseases - caused in part by the fact that the poops keep forgetting to wash their mitten hands after they go to the bathroom. 
              To stop the general populace from shitting outside, UNICEF, along with the Indian government is launching a groundbreaking public health campaign “Take Poo to the Loo” featuring everyone’s favorite pile of crap, Mr. Poo, who does hilarious things like dance around in the ‘Poo Party’ video and stalk people: on the website, here’s what Mr Poo has to say “Hello stranger! Me and million of my poo friends are out there watching you - our victim”. If poop learns to see AND attack, we are definitely doomed and mushrooms will take over the planet.
                If you’re interested, here are all the campaign’s video assets, including a fun instructional video for the kids “No more peek-a-boo with poo!” But poo is so good at it!!
           Probably because the poop is watching us at all times - so stay alert. It might be waiting for a Poo Assault

               That’s not chocolate soft serve with hands. It’s poop. Nicely swirled and ready to infect you with all sorts of horrible diseases - caused in part by the fact that the poops keep forgetting to wash their mitten hands after they go to the bathroom. 

              To stop the general populace from shitting outside, UNICEF, along with the Indian government is launching a groundbreaking public health campaign “Take Poo to the Loo” featuring everyone’s favorite pile of crap, Mr. Poo, who does hilarious things like dance around in the ‘Poo Party’ video and stalk people: on the website, here’s what Mr Poo has to say “Hello stranger! Me and million of my poo friends are out there watching you - our victim”. If poop learns to see AND attack, we are definitely doomed and mushrooms will take over the planet.

                If you’re interested, here are all the campaign’s video assets, including a fun instructional video for the kids “No more peek-a-boo with poo!” But poo is so good at it!!

           Probably because the poop is watching us at all times - so stay alert. It might be waiting for a Poo Assault

08 4 / 2014

                   Slides are fun. You can slide on them, climb up them, get horrible electric shocks on them, and generally do hoodrat stuff with your friends. For one, or many, people in Michigan, hoodrat stuff also includes pooping - specifically on playground slides. Maybe that’s what the kid at the bottom is doing right now. 
                  Police in Ann Arbor, Michigan are on the hunt for a ‘mystery pooper’ who has been continually shitting on playground slides for the past six months. Their police work might need a boost since it’s been in the same park the entire time, but I guess maybe there are just a ton of slides to monitor. The force is especially confused about why the person has continued to defecate on the play structures “despite the cold weather.” Yeah! Why would you ever poop outside when it’s cold out? Playground pooping should be reserved for the summer months - when it’s much more reasonable to dispose of your waste where the children play. 
           The police have a system in place, so there’s hope that they catch the culprit. Here’s the plan: tell the head cop every time you find a dump so he can determine if there’s a pattern to the criminal’s schedule. And determine if he’s getting enough fiber.

                   Slides are fun. You can slide on them, climb up them, get horrible electric shocks on them, and generally do hoodrat stuff with your friends. For one, or many, people in Michigan, hoodrat stuff also includes pooping - specifically on playground slides. Maybe that’s what the kid at the bottom is doing right now. 

                  Police in Ann Arbor, Michigan are on the hunt for a ‘mystery pooper’ who has been continually shitting on playground slides for the past six months. Their police work might need a boost since it’s been in the same park the entire time, but I guess maybe there are just a ton of slides to monitor. The force is especially confused about why the person has continued to defecate on the play structures “despite the cold weather.” Yeah! Why would you ever poop outside when it’s cold out? Playground pooping should be reserved for the summer months - when it’s much more reasonable to dispose of your waste where the children play. 

           The police have a system in place, so there’s hope that they catch the culprit. Here’s the plan: tell the head cop every time you find a dump so he can determine if there’s a pattern to the criminal’s schedule. And determine if he’s getting enough fiber.

28 3 / 2014

                Neither can I little girl. I hope you aren’t planning on hydrating only with milk. That would be a bad choice. But you aren’t the only milk enthusiast out there. The Russians like their milk too. It goes great with vodka. And sometimes, once you’ve been drinking your milk and vodkas for a while, you decide you should clean up a little bit before you go on a hot date with a snowdrift.
              This normally would be fine. Except when your bath is made of milk and you work in a milk factory. A Russian dairy factory was closed yesterday after employees posted pictures on a Russian social network (previously known as a gulag) of themselves naked, taking a bath in a vat of milk. “But in reality our work is very boring.]]]]]” they said on the post. What?! I thought you always got to do fun things like skinny dipping in dairy products. I’ve been totally misled about the joys of cheesemaking.
Is it possible to withdraw my application for a job there?

                Neither can I little girl. I hope you aren’t planning on hydrating only with milk. That would be a bad choice. But you aren’t the only milk enthusiast out there. The Russians like their milk too. It goes great with vodka. And sometimes, once you’ve been drinking your milk and vodkas for a while, you decide you should clean up a little bit before you go on a hot date with a snowdrift.

              This normally would be fine. Except when your bath is made of milk and you work in a milk factory. A Russian dairy factory was closed yesterday after employees posted pictures on a Russian social network (previously known as a gulag) of themselves naked, taking a bath in a vat of milk. “But in reality our work is very boring.]]]]]” they said on the post. What?! I thought you always got to do fun things like skinny dipping in dairy products. I’ve been totally misled about the joys of cheesemaking.

Is it possible to withdraw my application for a job there?

25 3 / 2014

          In case you needed another reason not to eat bats, officials in Guinea have banned the sale and consumption of the flying mammals because they have a bad habit of causing ebola. EBOLA. The disease from The Hot Zone that makes you vomit/bleed to death (don’t Google Image anything related to this). 
             62 people have died from the virus in Guinea so far, with “suspected” cases in Liberia & Sierra Leone. I’m pretty sure if you have a suspicion that someone has ebola…they probably have ebola. Telltale signs include bleeding from everywhere and dying. Keep your eyes out for those people. And walk quickly and steadily away from them so as not to attract the bats. 

          In case you needed another reason not to eat bats, officials in Guinea have banned the sale and consumption of the flying mammals because they have a bad habit of causing ebola. EBOLA. The disease from The Hot Zone that makes you vomit/bleed to death (don’t Google Image anything related to this). 

             62 people have died from the virus in Guinea so far, with “suspected” cases in Liberia & Sierra Leone. I’m pretty sure if you have a suspicion that someone has ebola…they probably have ebola. Telltale signs include bleeding from everywhere and dying. Keep your eyes out for those people. And walk quickly and steadily away from them so as not to attract the bats. 

20 3 / 2014

          An intimidating bunch, no? Especially the long vines guy. Those things double as jump ropes AND flyswatters. The police in Hawaii have more going for them than fancy leis, perpetual tans and freedom from Daylight Savings time. They also have balls (I was surprised too).
        They’re pushing lawmakers to uphold an exemption of state law that allows undercover cops to have sex with prostitutes during investigations. You know, to gather evidence. Was she really a prostitute? Let me double check…yup, still doing it. With me. Do you accept Spam as payment?
        The argument the police are advancing is that they need the evidence of people getting caught in the act. And nothing kills it in court better than a reliable witness - like a cop who was conveniently having sex with the accused prostitute at the time. Air-tight logic on these bros.
        Time to file the expense report - does this count as client-related?

          An intimidating bunch, no? Especially the long vines guy. Those things double as jump ropes AND flyswatters. The police in Hawaii have more going for them than fancy leis, perpetual tans and freedom from Daylight Savings time. They also have balls (I was surprised too).

        They’re pushing lawmakers to uphold an exemption of state law that allows undercover cops to have sex with prostitutes during investigations. You know, to gather evidence. Was she really a prostitute? Let me double check…yup, still doing it. With me. Do you accept Spam as payment?

        The argument the police are advancing is that they need the evidence of people getting caught in the act. And nothing kills it in court better than a reliable witness - like a cop who was conveniently having sex with the accused prostitute at the time. Air-tight logic on these bros.

        Time to file the expense report - does this count as client-related?

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10 3 / 2014

             Some might call this a work of art. Or a convenient nudity prevention strategy. Or batshit insane. Take your pick. The tastefully placed QR code is a nice touch as well. 
           ArmaLite, a US arms manufacturer, decided this would be a clever way to advertise their guns. The entire country of Italy said “Eeeehhhhhhh not-a-so-much”. 
           Dario Franceschini, Italy’s culture minister, claims that not only is this desecration of a large naked man of stone wrong, it is also illegal. He’s threatening an unnamed action against the company unless they stop using the image in their ads. I’m guessing it involves dismembered horses. 

If the ArmaLite AR-50A1 is actually larger than Michaelangelo’s David I will be extremely impressed. The Italians should be too - it will make it a lot easier to shoot Gypsies (provided you can find an Italian tall enough to carry such a massive weapon). 

             Some might call this a work of art. Or a convenient nudity prevention strategy. Or batshit insane. Take your pick. The tastefully placed QR code is a nice touch as well. 

           ArmaLite, a US arms manufacturer, decided this would be a clever way to advertise their guns. The entire country of Italy said “Eeeehhhhhhh not-a-so-much”. 

           Dario Franceschini, Italy’s culture minister, claims that not only is this desecration of a large naked man of stone wrong, it is also illegal. He’s threatening an unnamed action against the company unless they stop using the image in their ads. I’m guessing it involves dismembered horses. 

If the ArmaLite AR-50A1 is actually larger than Michaelangelo’s David I will be extremely impressed. The Italians should be too - it will make it a lot easier to shoot Gypsies (provided you can find an Italian tall enough to carry such a massive weapon). 

04 3 / 2014

          Sometimes it feels like you’re trapped in a glass case of emotion. It’s usually a phone booth or a hamster wheel. But sometimes it’s a real case of emotion/a drywall. And then you’re in trouble.
           Yesterday, a man in his 20s was found trapped in a drywall in an office building in SF. First suspicious thing: he was wearing shorts with “nice” shoes. Nice shoes and shorts? Who does that? The kind of guy that gets a wall built around him. 
           The man was rescued by sledgehammer-wielding firefighters, and gave no reason by he was hanging in the wall. Except he didn’t want to be there, since he was shouting for food and water. But not milk. Milk was a bad choice.

          Sometimes it feels like you’re trapped in a glass case of emotion. It’s usually a phone booth or a hamster wheel. But sometimes it’s a real case of emotion/a drywall. And then you’re in trouble.

           Yesterday, a man in his 20s was found trapped in a drywall in an office building in SF. First suspicious thing: he was wearing shorts with “nice” shoes. Nice shoes and shorts? Who does that? The kind of guy that gets a wall built around him. 

           The man was rescued by sledgehammer-wielding firefighters, and gave no reason by he was hanging in the wall. Except he didn’t want to be there, since he was shouting for food and water. But not milk. Milk was a bad choice.

26 2 / 2014

We all know that Nicholas Cage is the true beacon of liberty in our country. What other land could create a man of wealth and fame out of this character, allow him to buy 57 houses and a castle and then live out his days starring in live action/animated Disney sequels? Only in America. 
And to celebrate this point of light, DJ/event planner Ezra Croft is hosting a Nicholas Cage art show. Not art by him (which would be dazzling) but art of him (which will be something). According to Croft, “Nicholas Cage is an enigma, of misunderstood sex appeal, raw, unfiltered power”. I now feel very in-touch with Croft’s personal sexual preferences. And I would like to say “no thank you” to that.
The show is being met with a flood of submissions of paintings, drawings, digital art and will feature live music as well. Hopefully selections will include rap and EDM songs saluting Nic. 
It’s April 12th in SF if you’re interested. Make sure to check out the event page, which features the actor as Abe Lincoln. 
In conclusion, the internet is magic.

We all know that Nicholas Cage is the true beacon of liberty in our country. What other land could create a man of wealth and fame out of this character, allow him to buy 57 houses and a castle and then live out his days starring in live action/animated Disney sequels? Only in America. 

And to celebrate this point of light, DJ/event planner Ezra Croft is hosting a Nicholas Cage art show. Not art by him (which would be dazzling) but art of him (which will be something). According to Croft, “Nicholas Cage is an enigma, of misunderstood sex appeal, raw, unfiltered power”. I now feel very in-touch with Croft’s personal sexual preferences. And I would like to say “no thank you” to that.

The show is being met with a flood of submissions of paintings, drawings, digital art and will feature live music as well. Hopefully selections will include rap and EDM songs saluting Nic. 

It’s April 12th in SF if you’re interested. Make sure to check out the event page, which features the actor as Abe Lincoln. 

In conclusion, the internet is magic.

10 2 / 2014

           Have you ever gotten a diamond necklace and just felt it was lacking? It didn’t have the shimmer you hoped for, the shine you dreamed of, the sparkle you pined for? 
           Well someone in the design department at Kay Jeweler’s had that unfortunate experience too (probably a Le Vian Chocolate Diamond) and decided to do something about it. Behold: Diamonds in Rhythm. 
           Somehow they have crafted a necklace with a diamond suspended so that is has “continuous movement” allowing for maximum glitter and/or seizures. Basically, it’s a necklace with a wobbly diamond in it. But it’s so …. beautiful. 
           The stunning piece pictured above has just one review so far, but if you base your purchases off the opinions of the 45-54 year old female who received the necklace as gift, you’ll soon be mortgaging your Keurig and selling your Precious Moments on eBay to open up maximum cash flow. These things won’t be around forever.
          According to the review, the necklace gets five stars across the board (value, quality and style) and she “shows everyone and tells them I got it from Kay Jewelers”. She even gets a little greedy and asks that they make more styles. 
          But how can you top the heart within a heart? 

           Have you ever gotten a diamond necklace and just felt it was lacking? It didn’t have the shimmer you hoped for, the shine you dreamed of, the sparkle you pined for? 

           Well someone in the design department at Kay Jeweler’s had that unfortunate experience too (probably a Le Vian Chocolate Diamond) and decided to do something about it. Behold: Diamonds in Rhythm. 

           Somehow they have crafted a necklace with a diamond suspended so that is has “continuous movement” allowing for maximum glitter and/or seizures. Basically, it’s a necklace with a wobbly diamond in it. But it’s so …. beautiful. 

           The stunning piece pictured above has just one review so far, but if you base your purchases off the opinions of the 45-54 year old female who received the necklace as gift, you’ll soon be mortgaging your Keurig and selling your Precious Moments on eBay to open up maximum cash flow. These things won’t be around forever.

          According to the review, the necklace gets five stars across the board (value, quality and style) and she “shows everyone and tells them I got it from Kay Jewelers”. She even gets a little greedy and asks that they make more styles. 

          But how can you top the heart within a heart? 

05 2 / 2014

             Would you want to fight this man? I sure as hell wouldn’t. He has a parental advisory warning. Never good. Also - he is dripping in blood. 
             But there is one man brave enough to take on DMX: Florida Man. Specifically the George Zimmerman variety of Florida Man. 
             There is a plan for a “celebrity match” for someone to punch the shit out of GZ. FIFTEEN THOUSAND people entered, which actually seems pretty low, and DMX was selected as the lucky winner.
             The rapper plans to “beat the living f*** out of him,” followed by “breaking every rule in boxing to make sure I f*** him right up.” Appears to be a robust plan. In case that doesn’t properly crush the neighborhood watchman’s spirits, DMX will then pee on his face. Next steps have yet to be outlined. 
             This event takes an interesting turn when you hear Zimmerman’s take on it: “It was my idea…I was actually going to the gym for weight loss and doing boxing-type training”. Which naturally led to stepping in to the ring to get your buzz cut smashed in by DMX. Originally though, Zimm was shooting even higher and hoping to fight Kanye, since that dude is always “attacking defenseless people”. 
              Sounds familiar…..

** In case you’re interested, some proceeds from the beatdown will go to an animal rescue charity of Zimmerman’s choice. Because he loves puppies.

             Would you want to fight this man? I sure as hell wouldn’t. He has a parental advisory warning. Never good. Also - he is dripping in blood. 

             But there is one man brave enough to take on DMX: Florida Man. Specifically the George Zimmerman variety of Florida Man. 

             There is a plan for a “celebrity match” for someone to punch the shit out of GZ. FIFTEEN THOUSAND people entered, which actually seems pretty low, and DMX was selected as the lucky winner.

             The rapper plans to “beat the living f*** out of him,” followed by “breaking every rule in boxing to make sure I f*** him right up.” Appears to be a robust plan. In case that doesn’t properly crush the neighborhood watchman’s spirits, DMX will then pee on his face. Next steps have yet to be outlined. 

             This event takes an interesting turn when you hear Zimmerman’s take on it: “It was my idea…I was actually going to the gym for weight loss and doing boxing-type training”. Which naturally led to stepping in to the ring to get your buzz cut smashed in by DMX. Originally though, Zimm was shooting even higher and hoping to fight Kanye, since that dude is always “attacking defenseless people”. 

              Sounds familiar…..

** In case you’re interested, some proceeds from the beatdown will go to an animal rescue charity of Zimmerman’s choice. Because he loves puppies.