Fabulous Life of...

Except not even teenagers. Adults. A survey of 1,800 people ages 18-29 shows that Americans are, shockingly, dumb. 

40 percent of respondents said it didn’t matter if people use birth control or not, because they will just get pregnant when it’s “their time.” Are we 7? It’s my turn! My turn! I get to get pregnant now! Do you really think your sperm is that powerful that it can overwhelm the two condoms that 28 percent of men think protect them better than one? Every one knows this actually is a) painful b) retarded and c) so wrong. 

Better yet? 18 percent of men think that you are less likely to get a girl pregnant in you have sex standing up. At least they think they understand gravity?

Perhaps this explains why half the pregnancies in the U.S. are unplanned. That or there are a lot of baby Jesuses running around.

John Slattery on The Colbert Report.

So…..Chris Brown doesn’t get how business works. He is pissed that stores don’t have his new CD Graffiti, also I believe, a crime. How is he showing his ire? By canceling his Twitter account, @MechanicalDummy. Yes. Victory against the man. 

Breezy seemed to think that he was being blackballed by record stores: “Major stores are balckballing my CD. Not stockin the shelves and lying to customers.” But according to an associate at the Walmart Chris visited and complained about, the store had sold out of his album. I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS. 

I guess I’ll just have to find another stupid robot to follow. Although, astute observation Breezy, he does look like Shrek. I’m glad you can relate to you young, impressionable fans. 

Are these pandas mating? Yes. This image is hard to come by (for more check out animalsfornicating.blogspot.com), because pandas notoriously don’t like to mate. Maybe because every one is always watching. Why does this species still exist if they don’t want to reproduce? Oh right, for the people of Thailand. 

Giant panda’s Wang Wang and Funi are chilling at the Adelaide Zoo for a decade or so, and they need to make some babies. So naturally, the Governor General (of what is unclear) Quentin Bryce had some words of wisdom for the cuddly critters “Look after yourselves, keep healthy and active, eat your greens and maybe, when the time is right, think about starting a family.” This was an actual speech he gave, directed t the bears. The bears speak English? And they’re from China? This rules. 

Female pandas only have three days every year when they can conceive. So basically for pandas to survive in the wild they were just sitting in bamboo groves having sex all day. At least they don’t have to worry about birth control. Nature did it for them.

Hopefully when the happy couple finally do produce an heir, they will give it a good name, not inspired by their own. Funi means “lucky girl.” That is OK. Even though being a panda captive in a zoo forced to listen to Quentin telling her to make babies isn’t so lucky. But Wang Wang means “net net.” I don’t get it. I prefer Bucket Bucket.

But I don’t get to name the pandas. 

It’s African bushmeat. And it’s sold in Queens. And it comes from a cane rat. Apparently poachers in Africa hunt elephants, monkeys, bonobos, zebras and hippos and sell the meat for people to eat. Why not just eat a burger?

“It’s because people have a passion for bushmeat,” says Crawford Allen, an undercover investigator for the World Wildlife Fund who tracks illegal animal trade. That really is his job. He was a psych major. 

But it isn’t just gross, it actually poses a “potentially catastrophic health threat.” Super. We could all get monkey pox or ebola. I’ve read The Hot Zone, so I’d prefer not to get a hemorrhagic fever. 

I can’t wait for Iron Chef: Bushmeat. Mario Batali and his Crocs will show the bonobo steaks who’s boss. 

Hadababyitsaboy.

Insert retarded laughter. Welcome to the birth of Hank Baskett IV.

Kendra and Hank III have spawned, and the little babe has come into this world.

He was supposedly due on Christmas, but apparently he had had enough of the womb and decided to come early. Which means he is not, in fact, Jesus.

God bless us, every one.

Hope that you are never fat and getting carried by paramedics in England. Because they aren’t strong. And they will drop you. And you will die.

The East of England Ambulance Service says obese patients are a “growing problem.”

England needs more gyms. And sun.

This is my pack of attack chihuahuas. I use them to hunt feral pigs and iguanas. 

Where did I get them all? Dog shelters in Los Angeles, where there is an overcrowding problem due to idiots who thought they wanted chihuahuas because celebrities had them. Then Paris fell off the face of the Earth and Miley remembered she’s not literate and got off Twitter, and suddenly, having wee unfortunate pups was no longer cool. Now people want pet vampires. It’s more of a challenge.

So what do they do? Abandon their dogs. And the tiny things are helpless, left to fend for themselves on the streets of South Central where danger lurks around every corner. Dave Frangipane, of the Chihuahua Rescue Center of Beverly Hills, speaks of the constant threats: ” A toddler can snap a chihuahua’s leg in a second.” So you birthed the Hulk? This explains your career choice, since your tot is the man of the house. And her name is Ethel.

The Chihuahua Rescue Center of Beverly Hills. That is all.

Mmmmm. Steak. 

But Peter Schabhuttl might not agree. Because his girlfriend was just arrested and charged for domestic abuse for hitting him in the head numerous times with a raw steak. Why? Because he wanted rolls and she wanted sliced bread. Um. Do you have jobs? Do you have parietal lobes? 

To add insult to injury, and make the girlfriend look like a better person, her boyfriend is disabled and terminally ill with cancer. And clearly knows how to pick his ladies. 

I’ve never seen ‘Christmas Story,’ but, barring being dropped on your head as a child or teen, one should have enough common sense not to go around licking metal objects. Particularly in the cold. Unless ice cream is involved. Then all bets are off. 

But little Timmy in Boise likes his metal. A lot. So while walking to school, the ten-year-old American bad-ass decided to lick a metal fence pole while on the way to school. Are we sure he wasn’t being held as a prisoner and trying to lick his way free from his captors, through the metal? Yes. We’re sure. 

What happened to the orally-fixated pre-teen? A woman driving by saw him and called 911. A far better soul than I. I would have Twitpic’d that faster than you can say, “my tongue is stuck to a pole.”

The best part of this story is the attached story, “Ever done it?“ 

Readers are surveyed if they have made a similar rookie mistake. 53.5 PERCENT OF RESPONDENTS SAID YES. And 11.8% said they’d try if if someone gave them “the right triple dog dare.” Uhhhh. I didn’t know that eight-year-olds from the 1950s were still alive and using the Internet to participate in web polls. I guess that’s cool, time travel is ok, and the Little Rascal’s are bomb. 

But based on the comments that accompanied the poll, I fear for our future. Has Darwin retired?

From someone who said “No. Are you kidding? I’ve seen ‘Christmas Story’ enough times to know better: Did try to lick the frost off a can of orange juice & got stuck. In the grocery store with mom. It was scary.”

Scary? Yes. The human race is doomed.