18 7 / 2014

                  Remember when India launched a public health campaign to get people to stop shitting anywhere they pleased? #Poo2loo! It’s catchy right? I can imagine a Tellytubby singing that at me. 
                 Well, now it’s San Francisco’s turn to tackle a problem that’s usually reserved for third world countries: street pooping. While you may associate SF with the Golden Gate Bridge, cable cars and “the Uber for [insert something you don’t need], once you live here, you realize it is in fact the mecca for our nation’s most insane homeless population. Does licking exhaust from a tailpipe sound like a fun Tuesday morning pastime for you? Then this is your spot. Specifically, the Tenderloin neighborhood, where you can most definitely find raw sheep tenderloin on a stop sign on the reg. 
                   Due to the Tenderloin’s quasi-developing nation status, the SF Department of Public Works has created a HUMAN FECES MAP to track where random piles of poo appear most frequently. Answer: all the places. The plan to combat the ongoing issue of curbs as toilets is to put a few portapotties on trucks and drive them around to wherever people most often take a dump. These roving restrooms will be staffed by attendants. It’s like being at 1OAK, only you don’t get a mint and you definitely don’t have to tip the guy who hands you a paper towel.
                The mobile bathrooms are being labelled “pooplets” or officially “Tenderloin Pit Stop” in case you want to reserve one for your next party. Drug use will be tolerated, provided you shoot up within five minutes, so it seems like a no-brainer to me.  

                  Remember when India launched a public health campaign to get people to stop shitting anywhere they pleased? #Poo2loo! It’s catchy right? I can imagine a Tellytubby singing that at me. 

                 Well, now it’s San Francisco’s turn to tackle a problem that’s usually reserved for third world countries: street pooping. While you may associate SF with the Golden Gate Bridge, cable cars and “the Uber for [insert something you don’t need], once you live here, you realize it is in fact the mecca for our nation’s most insane homeless population. Does licking exhaust from a tailpipe sound like a fun Tuesday morning pastime for you? Then this is your spot. Specifically, the Tenderloin neighborhood, where you can most definitely find raw sheep tenderloin on a stop sign on the reg. 

                   Due to the Tenderloin’s quasi-developing nation status, the SF Department of Public Works has created a HUMAN FECES MAP to track where random piles of poo appear most frequently. Answer: all the places. The plan to combat the ongoing issue of curbs as toilets is to put a few portapotties on trucks and drive them around to wherever people most often take a dump. These roving restrooms will be staffed by attendants. It’s like being at 1OAK, only you don’t get a mint and you definitely don’t have to tip the guy who hands you a paper towel.

                The mobile bathrooms are being labelled “pooplets” or officially “Tenderloin Pit Stop” in case you want to reserve one for your next party. Drug use will be tolerated, provided you shoot up within five minutes, so it seems like a no-brainer to me.  

09 7 / 2014

                     When a phone has a gold case, an eagle crest, Vladimir Putin’s face AND the word caviar on it, you can’t go wrong. The phone can 100% cure AIDS, make creme brulee, corral Shetland ponies and speak Uzbek. It’s just part of the operating system. 
                   This masterpiece, the “Caviar Supremo Putin” comes from an Italian company and will set you back $4,300. However, this is a steal when you find out that Putin’s face is hand-engraved (perhaps by his own hand), and can be accessorized with an alligator or anaconda skin case. The obvious choice is anaconda skin. Most “snakeskin” products are fake or just the skin of some crappy garden snake. Anaconda skin is one step down from black mamba skin, and I’m ok with that. I’d rather not put down the extra rubles for that upgrade.
            If you have other visionaries you’d rather have etched into your phone, never fear, you have options: Leonardo da Vinci, Muhammad Ali, or Steve Jobs. I’d probably opt for da Vinci, because who else who paint a woman without eyebrows? Game changer.

                     When a phone has a gold case, an eagle crest, Vladimir Putin’s face AND the word caviar on it, you can’t go wrong. The phone can 100% cure AIDS, make creme brulee, corral Shetland ponies and speak Uzbek. It’s just part of the operating system. 

                   This masterpiece, the “Caviar Supremo Putin” comes from an Italian company and will set you back $4,300. However, this is a steal when you find out that Putin’s face is hand-engraved (perhaps by his own hand), and can be accessorized with an alligator or anaconda skin case. The obvious choice is anaconda skin. Most “snakeskin” products are fake or just the skin of some crappy garden snake. Anaconda skin is one step down from black mamba skin, and I’m ok with that. I’d rather not put down the extra rubles for that upgrade.

            If you have other visionaries you’d rather have etched into your phone, never fear, you have options: Leonardo da Vinci, Muhammad Ali, or Steve Jobs. I’d probably opt for da Vinci, because who else who paint a woman without eyebrows? Game changer.

09 7 / 2014

                   Pot stickers AND buffalo bites AND bruschetta AND mozzarella sticks AND unidentifiable cheese and bacon lumps? Assorted condiments?! Some anonymous green sticks?! Sure - throw those in too - although I try to only consume foods ranging from beige to brown on the color spectrum. 
            If this photo is your dream and you just had to wipe drool off the keyboard, today is your day. TGIFriday’s (with this deal, every day is Friday! WIIIIPOW!) is introducing endless appetizers. For $10. I hope their definition of “endless” leans towards the literal, because I could literally sit in a booth and eat potato skins until my hair turns gray and/or I develop bed sores.
            There’s a catch though: you can only get one app per order, so if you’re the dope trying to be healthy and get the crispy green bean fries, you have dug your own grave and you will have to deal with the consequences of your irresponsible decisions. 
                TGIFriday’s, in a morally despicable move, is actively discouraging sharing, to which I say, nay. Sharing is caring. 
                Give me a pot sticker.

                   Pot stickers AND buffalo bites AND bruschetta AND mozzarella sticks AND unidentifiable cheese and bacon lumps? Assorted condiments?! Some anonymous green sticks?! Sure - throw those in too - although I try to only consume foods ranging from beige to brown on the color spectrum. 

            If this photo is your dream and you just had to wipe drool off the keyboard, today is your day. TGIFriday’s (with this deal, every day is Friday! WIIIIPOW!) is introducing endless appetizers. For $10. I hope their definition of “endless” leans towards the literal, because I could literally sit in a booth and eat potato skins until my hair turns gray and/or I develop bed sores.

            There’s a catch though: you can only get one app per order, so if you’re the dope trying to be healthy and get the crispy green bean fries, you have dug your own grave and you will have to deal with the consequences of your irresponsible decisions. 

                TGIFriday’s, in a morally despicable move, is actively discouraging sharing, to which I say, nay. Sharing is caring. 

                Give me a pot sticker.

03 7 / 2014

               Before, he was a chunker with a boring beige suit. After. he’s a dapper dude with a very fine watch and dandy pocket square. What’s the difference? A few snips to the stomach, small intestine and restricted ability to absorb nutrients and Al is off to the races. And the bathroom.
              But gastric bypass surgery isn’t only for TV weathermen and Sharon Osbourne. It can be for you too! Sometimes though, you’re afraid of needles, or doctors, or ambulances or sterile rooms or people dressed all in blue - the things you need to get real surgery done. Lucky for you, fatty, Marc Carlin exists. And he is solving all your overweight-related, surgery-fearing problems through hypnosis. It’s so simple! Why haven’t we thought of this before? Just hypnotize people into thinking they’re healed. Your arm is broken? Look into my eyes….arm all better. Just make sure you load up on Vicodin for the rest of your life. Also maybe never use that arm again. Learning how to write left-handed is cool these days.
               Carlin is using his skills as a hypnotist to lull obese patients into a trance and make them believe they’ve actually had the weight-loss surgery. For a cool $1500, he will tell you one million times that you had surgery and are now a skinny bitch. He also throws in some fun special effects like hospital smells and sounds. Then you wake up and think you actually had your stomach shrunk and can no longer eat like you used to. Problem solved. Until one day you realize you have no scar and can still consume 27 Quesaritos in one sitting. Best day ever!
              Sometimes Carlin gets fully committed to the “realistic” hospital experience and you wind up missing a kidney. But look on the bright side - now you weight less.

               Before, he was a chunker with a boring beige suit. After. he’s a dapper dude with a very fine watch and dandy pocket square. What’s the difference? A few snips to the stomach, small intestine and restricted ability to absorb nutrients and Al is off to the races. And the bathroom.

              But gastric bypass surgery isn’t only for TV weathermen and Sharon Osbourne. It can be for you too! Sometimes though, you’re afraid of needles, or doctors, or ambulances or sterile rooms or people dressed all in blue - the things you need to get real surgery done. Lucky for you, fatty, Marc Carlin exists. And he is solving all your overweight-related, surgery-fearing problems through hypnosis. It’s so simple! Why haven’t we thought of this before? Just hypnotize people into thinking they’re healed. Your arm is broken? Look into my eyes….arm all better. Just make sure you load up on Vicodin for the rest of your life. Also maybe never use that arm again. Learning how to write left-handed is cool these days.

               Carlin is using his skills as a hypnotist to lull obese patients into a trance and make them believe they’ve actually had the weight-loss surgery. For a cool $1500, he will tell you one million times that you had surgery and are now a skinny bitch. He also throws in some fun special effects like hospital smells and sounds. Then you wake up and think you actually had your stomach shrunk and can no longer eat like you used to. Problem solved. Until one day you realize you have no scar and can still consume 27 Quesaritos in one sitting. Best day ever!

              Sometimes Carlin gets fully committed to the “realistic” hospital experience and you wind up missing a kidney. But look on the bright side - now you weight less.

27 6 / 2014

              You know you’re getting yourself into something good when the article you’re reading starts out with this:
“I live with twin 6-year-old boys, one of whom—Alex—is snake-obsessed. Every dream he has, every story he tells, every drawing he makes involves snakes.”
          This begs many questions, including: Why do you live with young boys? Does this child speak Parseltongue? How many other six-year-olds has Alex murdered? Can he tame snakes? How does he feel about worms? And so on.
          In Atlanta, children like Alex, and the man walking his snake above, will soon become the norm, because the city is being taken over by snakes. Thankfully, the good people of Atlanta have a plan to beat back the slithering invasion: more snakes. “What?” you may exclaim. “Yes,” say Atlantans, “because we are very bad at problem solving.” 
            The snakes are so ubiquitous that people are almost stepping on them. They’re sending EMAILS about them, Instagramming them! It’s crazy! One woman accidentally chopped one in half while clipping her hedges! Then she realized her hedge clippers were actually snakes! Insane! If you can snip a snake in half with hedge clippers by accident, you need to 1) pay a lot better attention when using sharp objects and 2) have your own reality show about killing wild animals with garden tools.
          Perhaps because their brains have melted in the humidity, one neighborhood group decided the best way to stem the hordes of lethal Copperhead snakes marauding through their yards was to release a shit ton of non-deadly snakes in their yards. Last I checked, terrifying snakes with fangs are not afraid of sissy snakes without teeth. They just feed them peanut brittle. 
              After one neighborhood set some snakes free, everyone else started jumping on the bandwagon, throwing “snake release parties” which could be a lot more interesting if they were released in movie theatres, planes, Discovery Zones or American Girl Doll stores. Unfortunately for us, they were released in a backyard and there was a local snake expert to ensure the snakes didn’t eat the snake-release-celebration cupcakes or suffocate a dog.
           According to wildlife experts, this is a horrible plan with “virtually no evidence that this will work”. This is the equivalent of getting rid of wasps by introducing thousands of bees into the environment. You will end up with a waspbeenado and we will all get stung 6577 times and/or drown in a sea of honey. 
        Best of all, it’s illegal in Georgia to move snakes without a permit. You should know better than that, Alex.

              You know you’re getting yourself into something good when the article you’re reading starts out with this:

I live with twin 6-year-old boys, one of whom—Alex—is snake-obsessed. Every dream he has, every story he tells, every drawing he makes involves snakes.”

          This begs many questions, including: Why do you live with young boys? Does this child speak Parseltongue? How many other six-year-olds has Alex murdered? Can he tame snakes? How does he feel about worms? And so on.

          In Atlanta, children like Alex, and the man walking his snake above, will soon become the norm, because the city is being taken over by snakes. Thankfully, the good people of Atlanta have a plan to beat back the slithering invasion: more snakes. “What?” you may exclaim. “Yes,” say Atlantans, “because we are very bad at problem solving.” 

            The snakes are so ubiquitous that people are almost stepping on them. They’re sending EMAILS about them, Instagramming them! It’s crazy! One woman accidentally chopped one in half while clipping her hedges! Then she realized her hedge clippers were actually snakes! Insane! If you can snip a snake in half with hedge clippers by accident, you need to 1) pay a lot better attention when using sharp objects and 2) have your own reality show about killing wild animals with garden tools.

          Perhaps because their brains have melted in the humidity, one neighborhood group decided the best way to stem the hordes of lethal Copperhead snakes marauding through their yards was to release a shit ton of non-deadly snakes in their yards. Last I checked, terrifying snakes with fangs are not afraid of sissy snakes without teeth. They just feed them peanut brittle. 

              After one neighborhood set some snakes free, everyone else started jumping on the bandwagon, throwing “snake release parties” which could be a lot more interesting if they were released in movie theatres, planes, Discovery Zones or American Girl Doll stores. Unfortunately for us, they were released in a backyard and there was a local snake expert to ensure the snakes didn’t eat the snake-release-celebration cupcakes or suffocate a dog.

           According to wildlife experts, this is a horrible plan with “virtually no evidence that this will work”. This is the equivalent of getting rid of wasps by introducing thousands of bees into the environment. You will end up with a waspbeenado and we will all get stung 6577 times and/or drown in a sea of honey. 

        Best of all, it’s illegal in Georgia to move snakes without a permit. You should know better than that, Alex.

16 6 / 2014

           San Francisco Mayor Ed Lee is essentially the human version of grumpy cat. He can also haz cheezeburger. I would be a grouchy feline also if I were the mayor of SF and had to deal with all the homeless people licking gas pumps and wearing pigeons as hats. 
              While he may be good at keeping the street people from commandeering SFO to re-open it as a permanent cat-racing venue, he isn’t so good at eulogizing people. This morning at the Glide Memorial Church in San Francisco, Mayor Lee declared of poet Maya Angelou, “If she was still around, I would probably ask her to drive a Muni”.
               For non-San Franciscans, this is the equivalent of driving the homeless bus - but for less pay and more aromas and bodily fluids. I once saw a man with a catheter taped to his leg casually riding the Muni. This is not an exaggeration. While Angelou could probably bestow her love and wisdom upon the bedraggled Muni commuters, her talents could probably be better served.
             We have streetcars too - and they’re way nicer.

           San Francisco Mayor Ed Lee is essentially the human version of grumpy cat. He can also haz cheezeburger. I would be a grouchy feline also if I were the mayor of SF and had to deal with all the homeless people licking gas pumps and wearing pigeons as hats. 

              While he may be good at keeping the street people from commandeering SFO to re-open it as a permanent cat-racing venue, he isn’t so good at eulogizing people. This morning at the Glide Memorial Church in San Francisco, Mayor Lee declared of poet Maya Angelou, “If she was still around, I would probably ask her to drive a Muni”.

               For non-San Franciscans, this is the equivalent of driving the homeless bus - but for less pay and more aromas and bodily fluids. I once saw a man with a catheter taped to his leg casually riding the Muni. This is not an exaggeration. While Angelou could probably bestow her love and wisdom upon the bedraggled Muni commuters, her talents could probably be better served.

             We have streetcars too - and they’re way nicer.

03 6 / 2014

                   You know this guy? I only know his real-life version, not his hand-drawn one, but from what I know he was a pretty good organizer. Also strong on the vegetable gathering. 
                  Other people have heard of him too, including Scott Fistler, a former GOP congressional candidate from Arizona. Fistler has such an affinity for the founder of National Farm Workers Association that he’s decided to change his legal name to Cesar Chavez. Since he was already at city hall, he also decided to switch parties and register as a Democrat. His entertainment permit fee is still processing.
                  By total coincidence, the district Fistler-Chavez is running for Congress in is strongly Hispanic. 
                  Si se puede!

                   You know this guy? I only know his real-life version, not his hand-drawn one, but from what I know he was a pretty good organizer. Also strong on the vegetable gathering. 

                  Other people have heard of him too, including Scott Fistler, a former GOP congressional candidate from Arizona. Fistler has such an affinity for the founder of National Farm Workers Association that he’s decided to change his legal name to Cesar Chavez. Since he was already at city hall, he also decided to switch parties and register as a Democrat. His entertainment permit fee is still processing.

                  By total coincidence, the district Fistler-Chavez is running for Congress in is strongly Hispanic. 

                  Si se puede!

28 5 / 2014

                  Generally speaking, it’s the enormous crocodile dreaming of a child-sandwich that we need to worry about. Especially when the crocodile has red eyes, because he is high and especially hungry. 
                  In Russia, however, all rules are off (this is why you can go to jail if you aren’t ready to work 16 hours a day). If my job were to be Putin’s tiger tamer, I would gladly step up to that challenge - until I got distracted by some vodka buried in a snowdrift and dropped the tiger’s leash. Do svidaniya!
               Anyways, in Russia, it’s not the giant crocs menacing the innocent populace: it’s the obese circus-people crushing the reptiles. 
               Fyodor, the circus crocodile, was chillin’ on the circus bus after a gig, when the bus took a sharp turn, causing one of his circus comrades - who happened to be a 260-pound lady (beard status: pending) to fall into his “pit”. This is literally what they call it, and I am 100% terrified. How does one create a crocodile pit ON a circus bus? Russian circuses are more intriguing than I thought. The outcome is not what one might expect: the woman was not consumed or even bitten. Why? Because she crushed the animal and potentially damaged his internal organs - causing him to throw up all over the place and have to visit the croc doc. He’s ok now - but the woman’s ego isn’t. According to the Huffington Post, the lady accountant was “advised to lose weight and observe safety precautions”. 
               So… the main takeaway is to wear a seatbelt and never become a Russian circus accountant. Ypa!

                  Generally speaking, it’s the enormous crocodile dreaming of a child-sandwich that we need to worry about. Especially when the crocodile has red eyes, because he is high and especially hungry. 

                  In Russia, however, all rules are off (this is why you can go to jail if you aren’t ready to work 16 hours a day). If my job were to be Putin’s tiger tamer, I would gladly step up to that challenge - until I got distracted by some vodka buried in a snowdrift and dropped the tiger’s leash. Do svidaniya!

               Anyways, in Russia, it’s not the giant crocs menacing the innocent populace: it’s the obese circus-people crushing the reptiles

               Fyodor, the circus crocodile, was chillin’ on the circus bus after a gig, when the bus took a sharp turn, causing one of his circus comrades - who happened to be a 260-pound lady (beard status: pending) to fall into his “pit”. This is literally what they call it, and I am 100% terrified. How does one create a crocodile pit ON a circus bus? Russian circuses are more intriguing than I thought. The outcome is not what one might expect: the woman was not consumed or even bitten. Why? Because she crushed the animal and potentially damaged his internal organs - causing him to throw up all over the place and have to visit the croc doc. He’s ok now - but the woman’s ego isn’t. According to the Huffington Post, the lady accountant was “advised to lose weight and observe safety precautions”. 

               So… the main takeaway is to wear a seatbelt and never become a Russian circus accountant. Ypa!

20 5 / 2014

            PSA: Weight Watchers causes you to wear futuristic mom jeans. Also - zippers. It also allows your to eat the best mac ‘n’ cheese ever (EVER) while simultaneously becoming fit & strong in 30 minutes. Presumably this mac and cheese is infused with protein and also made of wheatgrass and/or oxygen molecules. 
          Besides all of these things and watching your weight hover at a consistent 164 pounds, Weight Watchers is also getting into the cafe business - with a pop-up restaurant in London - the ‘Feel Good Cafe’. Nothing makes me feel more gooder than eating chemically-altered Lite Cheez Poofs. Nourishment of the gods. 
          In an innovative twist, the cafe will feed you for free, provided that you share your visit on social media. I’m at a diet cafe! #killinit. Sobbing into my thimble of soup @WeightWatchers #mydreamshavedied. Just checked in at the land of the sorry people! Etc, etc. 
          The rationale behind this master plan is to introduce Brit’s to the brand, show people that eating healthy doesn’t equal deprivation and break down the stigma of a Weight Watchers restaurant. According to a study that Weight Watchers commissioned, 52% of women in the UK “do not know how to begin their weight loss journey”. Let me break it down for you:
              Step 1) Remove fingers from fried cod
              Step 2) Place fried cod in the dustbin
              Step 3) Repeat
We can cover steps 5 - 45 at breakfast tomorrow.
See you at the Feel Good Cafe.

            PSA: Weight Watchers causes you to wear futuristic mom jeans. Also - zippers. It also allows your to eat the best mac ‘n’ cheese ever (EVER) while simultaneously becoming fit & strong in 30 minutes. Presumably this mac and cheese is infused with protein and also made of wheatgrass and/or oxygen molecules. 

          Besides all of these things and watching your weight hover at a consistent 164 pounds, Weight Watchers is also getting into the cafe business - with a pop-up restaurant in London - the ‘Feel Good Cafe’. Nothing makes me feel more gooder than eating chemically-altered Lite Cheez Poofs. Nourishment of the gods. 

          In an innovative twist, the cafe will feed you for free, provided that you share your visit on social media. I’m at a diet cafe! #killinit. Sobbing into my thimble of soup @WeightWatchers #mydreamshavedied. Just checked in at the land of the sorry people! Etc, etc. 

          The rationale behind this master plan is to introduce Brit’s to the brand, show people that eating healthy doesn’t equal deprivation and break down the stigma of a Weight Watchers restaurant. According to a study that Weight Watchers commissioned, 52% of women in the UK “do not know how to begin their weight loss journey”. Let me break it down for you:

              Step 1) Remove fingers from fried cod

              Step 2) Place fried cod in the dustbin

              Step 3) Repeat

We can cover steps 5 - 45 at breakfast tomorrow.

See you at the Feel Good Cafe.

18 5 / 2014

               Sometimes when you get mac & cheese - it just isn’t satisfying enough. So you add three more types of cheese. That’s better, but it’s still missing something. Let’s throw in some bacon. One step higher, but still not clogging every artery - we can do better. Chicken tenders on top? Correct. You have yourself the 4-Cheese Mac & Cheese with Honey Pepper Chicken Tenders (Item of note: it pairs nicely with a Sutter Home Cabernet). This is the meal my body has been pining for. As have the bodies of every 5-14 year old boy from here to Sitka, Alaska. And it can be yours at Applebee’s. 
              But, as we all know, this pile of sustenance means nothing unless you can share it with all your nearest and dearest on Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and MySpace. Look at this amazing food #nomnom. How else will they know what carbs you’re eating? And sometimes, all those networks aren’t enough. Because it’s hard to find other true connoisseurs of the Bee that is Apples. They might just be posing as superfans, but are secretly hoarding Buffalo Wild Wings in their glove compartment until you leave.
             Fear not, my fellow Americans, there is now a place for you to connect with those who share your same deep, dark affinity for Applebee’s: whatsapplebees.com. It’s an app where you can have anonymous conversations with other ‘Bee’s aficionados. Here’s the catch - you can only use it when you are physically at an Applebee’s - as this is how one susses out the real Applebee lovers. This sounds familiar…and could be a way to pick up people at the bar - provided you both own smartphones and a stunningly low level of self-worth.
             You, too, share my love for the Fresh Flavors of Summer? Want to drink some Mucho Wildberry Mojitos and share an Appetizer Sampler? Yes? You are my soulmate and I love you forever. Thanks WhatsApplebee’s! I’ll be adding my own five-star rating to the app store, now that I’ve found someone to share my 4 Cheese Mac & Cheese with Honey Pepper Chicken Tenders with - we’ll  just use Carside to Go 
#blessed

               Sometimes when you get mac & cheese - it just isn’t satisfying enough. So you add three more types of cheese. That’s better, but it’s still missing something. Let’s throw in some bacon. One step higher, but still not clogging every artery - we can do better. Chicken tenders on top? Correct. You have yourself the 4-Cheese Mac & Cheese with Honey Pepper Chicken Tenders (Item of note: it pairs nicely with a Sutter Home Cabernet). This is the meal my body has been pining for. As have the bodies of every 5-14 year old boy from here to Sitka, Alaska. And it can be yours at Applebee’s. 

              But, as we all know, this pile of sustenance means nothing unless you can share it with all your nearest and dearest on Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and MySpace. Look at this amazing food #nomnom. How else will they know what carbs you’re eating? And sometimes, all those networks aren’t enough. Because it’s hard to find other true connoisseurs of the Bee that is Apples. They might just be posing as superfans, but are secretly hoarding Buffalo Wild Wings in their glove compartment until you leave.

             Fear not, my fellow Americans, there is now a place for you to connect with those who share your same deep, dark affinity for Applebee’s: whatsapplebees.com. It’s an app where you can have anonymous conversations with other ‘Bee’s aficionados. Here’s the catch - you can only use it when you are physically at an Applebee’s - as this is how one susses out the real Applebee lovers. This sounds familiar…and could be a way to pick up people at the bar - provided you both own smartphones and a stunningly low level of self-worth.

             You, too, share my love for the Fresh Flavors of Summer? Want to drink some Mucho Wildberry Mojitos and share an Appetizer Sampler? Yes? You are my soulmate and I love you forever. Thanks WhatsApplebee’s! I’ll be adding my own five-star rating to the app store, now that I’ve found someone to share my 4 Cheese Mac & Cheese with Honey Pepper Chicken Tenders with - we’ll  just use Carside to Go 

#blessed