You know you’re getting yourself into something good when the article you’re reading starts out with this:
“I live with twin 6-year-old boys, one of whom—Alex—is snake-obsessed. Every dream he has, every story he tells, every drawing he makes involves snakes.”
This begs many questions, including: Why do you live with young boys? Does this child speak Parseltongue? How many other six-year-olds has Alex murdered? Can he tame snakes? How does he feel about worms? And so on.
In Atlanta, children like Alex, and the man walking his snake above, will soon become the norm, because the city is being taken over by snakes. Thankfully, the good people of Atlanta have a plan to beat back the slithering invasion: more snakes. “What?” you may exclaim. “Yes,” say Atlantans, “because we are very bad at problem solving.”
The snakes are so ubiquitous that people are almost stepping on them. They’re sending EMAILS about them, Instagramming them! It’s crazy! One woman accidentally chopped one in half while clipping her hedges! Then she realized her hedge clippers were actually snakes! Insane! If you can snip a snake in half with hedge clippers by accident, you need to 1) pay a lot better attention when using sharp objects and 2) have your own reality show about killing wild animals with garden tools.
Perhaps because their brains have melted in the humidity, one neighborhood group decided the best way to stem the hordes of lethal Copperhead snakes marauding through their yards was to release a shit ton of non-deadly snakes in their yards. Last I checked, terrifying snakes with fangs are not afraid of sissy snakes without teeth. They just feed them peanut brittle.
After one neighborhood set some snakes free, everyone else started jumping on the bandwagon, throwing “snake release parties” which could be a lot more interesting if they were released in movie theatres, planes, Discovery Zones or American Girl Doll stores. Unfortunately for us, they were released in a backyard and there was a local snake expert to ensure the snakes didn’t eat the snake-release-celebration cupcakes or suffocate a dog.
According to wildlife experts, this is a horrible plan with “virtually no evidence that this will work”. This is the equivalent of getting rid of wasps by introducing thousands of bees into the environment. You will end up with a waspbeenado and we will all get stung 6577 times and/or drown in a sea of honey.
Best of all, it’s illegal in Georgia to move snakes without a permit. You should know better than that, Alex.