29 8 / 2014

               The main purpose of the facekini is to highlight the need for all dental professionals to immediately uproot their lives and move their practices to China. Also - what part of this says “kini” to you? I think it would be more along the lines of a “robbingsuit” or “unfortunate accident” but this is a trend taking off in China so I have no control over it.
                    The purpose of this new item is do protect people’s skin from the sun. Which it does fairly effectively. It’s also amazingly effective at making you look mentally deficient. This is flattering on no one. 
                   In case you were wondering what to pair the facekini with, the answer is always more layers. Sweaters, pants, toe-shoes, kilts, earmuffs, etc. The sun is out people, let’s hit the beach.

               The main purpose of the facekini is to highlight the need for all dental professionals to immediately uproot their lives and move their practices to China. Also - what part of this says “kini” to you? I think it would be more along the lines of a “robbingsuit” or “unfortunate accident” but this is a trend taking off in China so I have no control over it.

                    The purpose of this new item is do protect people’s skin from the sun. Which it does fairly effectively. It’s also amazingly effective at making you look mentally deficient. This is flattering on no one. 

                   In case you were wondering what to pair the facekini with, the answer is always more layers. Sweaters, pants, toe-shoes, kilts, earmuffs, etc. The sun is out people, let’s hit the beach.

19 8 / 2014

           If you can’t even spell Guard right, things are not looking up for your money-guarding company. And if you are transporting your bags of cash in a shopping cart, you have a whole other set of problems. Those things are NOT burglar-safe. Observe how visible your money is - way too obvious. 
               For Garda, the combination of misspelling, improper use of grocery-store provided vehicles and most importantly, reckless incompetence led to some issues. Namely, losing $21,000. “But it was only one bag!” they say. “We do NOT care,” says Revel, the soon-to-be-closed Atlantic City casino whose cash was casually left on the truck’s roof. This is something that makes you feel horribly retarded if you do it with your $3.60 soy misto from Starbucks. When you do it with 20Gs, you might as well crawl into a an ebola den in Liberia and start washing the toilet with your bare hands.
                  Best of luck to you, Garda driver - I hear Target still has hazmat suits. And to you, Revel, we’ll all be missing your free self-parking and Royal Jelly Burlesque. Happy trails.

           If you can’t even spell Guard right, things are not looking up for your money-guarding company. And if you are transporting your bags of cash in a shopping cart, you have a whole other set of problems. Those things are NOT burglar-safe. Observe how visible your money is - way too obvious. 

               For Garda, the combination of misspelling, improper use of grocery-store provided vehicles and most importantly, reckless incompetence led to some issues. Namely, losing $21,000. “But it was only one bag!” they say. “We do NOT care,” says Revel, the soon-to-be-closed Atlantic City casino whose cash was casually left on the truck’s roof. This is something that makes you feel horribly retarded if you do it with your $3.60 soy misto from Starbucks. When you do it with 20Gs, you might as well crawl into a an ebola den in Liberia and start washing the toilet with your bare hands.

                  Best of luck to you, Garda driver - I hear Target still has hazmat suits. And to you, Revel, we’ll all be missing your free self-parking and Royal Jelly Burlesque. Happy trails.

14 8 / 2014

                  Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. That’s what this prosthetic arm thinks about everything - it is all A-OK. Except when it isn’t - like when the fake arm of an Irish pilot fell off while he was landing his plane.
                 As the pilot was attempting to execute a “flare manoeuver”, his limb became detached, “depriving him of control of the aircraft”. Lesson: do not attempt maneuvers with extra vowels in them. It always ends poorly. It is unclear if his hand remaining attached to the steering thing or if it just fell on the ground. While we’re on that topic, how does one steer a plane? A wheel? Joystick? Tiny Denzel Washington figurine? I have no idea. But generally you need two hands to do it.
            This one-armed plane steerer was so competent; however, that rather than tell his co-pilot what was going on and have him take over, he decided to land the plane with one hand. Because that’s what pilots at Flybe, a “low cost airline” do. Part of the training at a low-cost airline involves landing with one hand, taking off without one wing, combating runaway ferrets who have snuck in the cabin, cleaning the bathrooms and setting passengers luggage on fire. This guy passed his license test on his first try. With one hand. Lighting the matches was the most impressive part.

                  Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. That’s what this prosthetic arm thinks about everything - it is all A-OK. Except when it isn’t - like when the fake arm of an Irish pilot fell off while he was landing his plane.

                 As the pilot was attempting to execute a “flare manoeuver”, his limb became detached, “depriving him of control of the aircraft”. Lesson: do not attempt maneuvers with extra vowels in them. It always ends poorly. It is unclear if his hand remaining attached to the steering thing or if it just fell on the ground. While we’re on that topic, how does one steer a plane? A wheel? Joystick? Tiny Denzel Washington figurine? I have no idea. But generally you need two hands to do it.

            This one-armed plane steerer was so competent; however, that rather than tell his co-pilot what was going on and have him take over, he decided to land the plane with one hand. Because that’s what pilots at Flybe, a “low cost airline” do. Part of the training at a low-cost airline involves landing with one hand, taking off without one wing, combating runaway ferrets who have snuck in the cabin, cleaning the bathrooms and setting passengers luggage on fire. This guy passed his license test on his first try. With one hand. Lighting the matches was the most impressive part.

12 8 / 2014

When Ariana Grande isn’t enlightening us with such musings as this gem (that Caleb - hilarious!), she’s busy making music videos. Like the one just for released "Break Free"
To set the scene, the video begins on a Mars-scape, circa ‘Oops I Did it Again’. Will the Heart of the Ocean appear? This remains to be seen - stay tuned. In an unexpected twist, there are now cages on Mars, suggesting that Martians are in fact more advanced than previously known and can ensnare young starlets.**
We soon discover Martians to be of two varieties - actual Martians and Hare Krishnas stripped of their orange robes. It’s too hot on Mars for robes so neck rags are more appropriate. The actual Martians are terrible at shooting lasers and proceed to zap each other. Ariana celebrates by floating in a space capsule and taking her pants off. As one does.
The ensuing scene involves a subtle metaphor of Ariana breaking free of shackles on her wrists, while a fu manchu mustachioed Colonel Sanders cackles with Martian-glee. I don’t get it either - Ariana is from Florida.
She is then ported from Mars to a space ship, where the astronaut from Britney’s golden Martian past is DJing. This is a welcome change from the Martians. Oh wait, there is a stunted Martian elephant with a silver trunk bopping around. Ariana proceeds to throttle the pachyderm while serenading him - which is troubling, even for someone raised in Boca. Oh and the elephant-gnome has has an iPhone.
**Also of note, Ariana never wants to “die alive” - so I’m looking forward to a report back on how dying while dead works out. 

When Ariana Grande isn’t enlightening us with such musings as this gem (that Caleb - hilarious!), she’s busy making music videos. Like the one just for released "Break Free"

To set the scene, the video begins on a Mars-scape, circa ‘Oops I Did it Again’. Will the Heart of the Ocean appear? This remains to be seen - stay tuned. In an unexpected twist, there are now cages on Mars, suggesting that Martians are in fact more advanced than previously known and can ensnare young starlets.**

We soon discover Martians to be of two varieties - actual Martians and Hare Krishnas stripped of their orange robes. It’s too hot on Mars for robes so neck rags are more appropriate. The actual Martians are terrible at shooting lasers and proceed to zap each other. Ariana celebrates by floating in a space capsule and taking her pants off. As one does.

The ensuing scene involves a subtle metaphor of Ariana breaking free of shackles on her wrists, while a fu manchu mustachioed Colonel Sanders cackles with Martian-glee. I don’t get it either - Ariana is from Florida.

She is then ported from Mars to a space ship, where the astronaut from Britney’s golden Martian past is DJing. This is a welcome change from the Martians. Oh wait, there is a stunted Martian elephant with a silver trunk bopping around. Ariana proceeds to throttle the pachyderm while serenading him - which is troubling, even for someone raised in Boca. Oh and the elephant-gnome has has an iPhone.

**Also of note, Ariana never wants to “die alive” - so I’m looking forward to a report back on how dying while dead works out. 

25 7 / 2014

              Some people think it’s a cool idea to light beverages on fire. Look! Flaming alcohol! Doesn’t it just make you want to drink it more? Fire really makes the shot go down easier. You can’t feel your throat burning because your skin is melting. 
              This actually happened to a #notblessed man in Lithuania, when the bartender decided to get fancy and make a ‘Flaming Lambroghini’. Setting a car on fire is a bad idea, and so is setting alcohol on fire-it makes it harder to drink. In this case, the ‘Flaming Lambroghini’ got a little too hot and set the patron’s FACE on fire. Signs that you need to find a new career include permanently scarring your client’s faces and letting fires get out of control at your place of employment.
              What are the contents of a Flaming Lambo? Sambuca & Kahlua (on fire) drank through a straw while still flaming (liquid plastic blends well with Sambuca) followed by additional slurps or Bailey’s and blue curacao (also on fire). Chase it with some lighter fluid. Continue on through the Lithuanian night.

              Some people think it’s a cool idea to light beverages on fire. Look! Flaming alcohol! Doesn’t it just make you want to drink it more? Fire really makes the shot go down easier. You can’t feel your throat burning because your skin is melting. 

              This actually happened to a #notblessed man in Lithuania, when the bartender decided to get fancy and make a ‘Flaming Lambroghini’. Setting a car on fire is a bad idea, and so is setting alcohol on fire-it makes it harder to drink. In this case, the ‘Flaming Lambroghini’ got a little too hot and set the patron’s FACE on fire. Signs that you need to find a new career include permanently scarring your client’s faces and letting fires get out of control at your place of employment.

              What are the contents of a Flaming Lambo? Sambuca & Kahlua (on fire) drank through a straw while still flaming (liquid plastic blends well with Sambuca) followed by additional slurps or Bailey’s and blue curacao (also on fire). Chase it with some lighter fluid. Continue on through the Lithuanian night.

18 7 / 2014

                  Remember when India launched a public health campaign to get people to stop shitting anywhere they pleased? #Poo2loo! It’s catchy right? I can imagine a Tellytubby singing that at me. 
                 Well, now it’s San Francisco’s turn to tackle a problem that’s usually reserved for third world countries: street pooping. While you may associate SF with the Golden Gate Bridge, cable cars and “the Uber for [insert something you don’t need], once you live here, you realize it is in fact the mecca for our nation’s most insane homeless population. Does licking exhaust from a tailpipe sound like a fun Tuesday morning pastime for you? Then this is your spot. Specifically, the Tenderloin neighborhood, where you can most definitely find raw sheep tenderloin on a stop sign on the reg. 
                   Due to the Tenderloin’s quasi-developing nation status, the SF Department of Public Works has created a HUMAN FECES MAP to track where random piles of poo appear most frequently. Answer: all the places. The plan to combat the ongoing issue of curbs as toilets is to put a few portapotties on trucks and drive them around to wherever people most often take a dump. These roving restrooms will be staffed by attendants. It’s like being at 1OAK, only you don’t get a mint and you definitely don’t have to tip the guy who hands you a paper towel.
                The mobile bathrooms are being labelled “pooplets” or officially “Tenderloin Pit Stop” in case you want to reserve one for your next party. Drug use will be tolerated, provided you shoot up within five minutes, so it seems like a no-brainer to me.  

                  Remember when India launched a public health campaign to get people to stop shitting anywhere they pleased? #Poo2loo! It’s catchy right? I can imagine a Tellytubby singing that at me. 

                 Well, now it’s San Francisco’s turn to tackle a problem that’s usually reserved for third world countries: street pooping. While you may associate SF with the Golden Gate Bridge, cable cars and “the Uber for [insert something you don’t need], once you live here, you realize it is in fact the mecca for our nation’s most insane homeless population. Does licking exhaust from a tailpipe sound like a fun Tuesday morning pastime for you? Then this is your spot. Specifically, the Tenderloin neighborhood, where you can most definitely find raw sheep tenderloin on a stop sign on the reg. 

                   Due to the Tenderloin’s quasi-developing nation status, the SF Department of Public Works has created a HUMAN FECES MAP to track where random piles of poo appear most frequently. Answer: all the places. The plan to combat the ongoing issue of curbs as toilets is to put a few portapotties on trucks and drive them around to wherever people most often take a dump. These roving restrooms will be staffed by attendants. It’s like being at 1OAK, only you don’t get a mint and you definitely don’t have to tip the guy who hands you a paper towel.

                The mobile bathrooms are being labelled “pooplets” or officially “Tenderloin Pit Stop” in case you want to reserve one for your next party. Drug use will be tolerated, provided you shoot up within five minutes, so it seems like a no-brainer to me.  

09 7 / 2014

                     When a phone has a gold case, an eagle crest, Vladimir Putin’s face AND the word caviar on it, you can’t go wrong. The phone can 100% cure AIDS, make creme brulee, corral Shetland ponies and speak Uzbek. It’s just part of the operating system. 
                   This masterpiece, the “Caviar Supremo Putin” comes from an Italian company and will set you back $4,300. However, this is a steal when you find out that Putin’s face is hand-engraved (perhaps by his own hand), and can be accessorized with an alligator or anaconda skin case. The obvious choice is anaconda skin. Most “snakeskin” products are fake or just the skin of some crappy garden snake. Anaconda skin is one step down from black mamba skin, and I’m ok with that. I’d rather not put down the extra rubles for that upgrade.
            If you have other visionaries you’d rather have etched into your phone, never fear, you have options: Leonardo da Vinci, Muhammad Ali, or Steve Jobs. I’d probably opt for da Vinci, because who else who paint a woman without eyebrows? Game changer.

                     When a phone has a gold case, an eagle crest, Vladimir Putin’s face AND the word caviar on it, you can’t go wrong. The phone can 100% cure AIDS, make creme brulee, corral Shetland ponies and speak Uzbek. It’s just part of the operating system. 

                   This masterpiece, the “Caviar Supremo Putin” comes from an Italian company and will set you back $4,300. However, this is a steal when you find out that Putin’s face is hand-engraved (perhaps by his own hand), and can be accessorized with an alligator or anaconda skin case. The obvious choice is anaconda skin. Most “snakeskin” products are fake or just the skin of some crappy garden snake. Anaconda skin is one step down from black mamba skin, and I’m ok with that. I’d rather not put down the extra rubles for that upgrade.

            If you have other visionaries you’d rather have etched into your phone, never fear, you have options: Leonardo da Vinci, Muhammad Ali, or Steve Jobs. I’d probably opt for da Vinci, because who else who paint a woman without eyebrows? Game changer.

09 7 / 2014

                   Pot stickers AND buffalo bites AND bruschetta AND mozzarella sticks AND unidentifiable cheese and bacon lumps? Assorted condiments?! Some anonymous green sticks?! Sure - throw those in too - although I try to only consume foods ranging from beige to brown on the color spectrum. 
            If this photo is your dream and you just had to wipe drool off the keyboard, today is your day. TGIFriday’s (with this deal, every day is Friday! WIIIIPOW!) is introducing endless appetizers. For $10. I hope their definition of “endless” leans towards the literal, because I could literally sit in a booth and eat potato skins until my hair turns gray and/or I develop bed sores.
            There’s a catch though: you can only get one app per order, so if you’re the dope trying to be healthy and get the crispy green bean fries, you have dug your own grave and you will have to deal with the consequences of your irresponsible decisions. 
                TGIFriday’s, in a morally despicable move, is actively discouraging sharing, to which I say, nay. Sharing is caring. 
                Give me a pot sticker.

                   Pot stickers AND buffalo bites AND bruschetta AND mozzarella sticks AND unidentifiable cheese and bacon lumps? Assorted condiments?! Some anonymous green sticks?! Sure - throw those in too - although I try to only consume foods ranging from beige to brown on the color spectrum. 

            If this photo is your dream and you just had to wipe drool off the keyboard, today is your day. TGIFriday’s (with this deal, every day is Friday! WIIIIPOW!) is introducing endless appetizers. For $10. I hope their definition of “endless” leans towards the literal, because I could literally sit in a booth and eat potato skins until my hair turns gray and/or I develop bed sores.

            There’s a catch though: you can only get one app per order, so if you’re the dope trying to be healthy and get the crispy green bean fries, you have dug your own grave and you will have to deal with the consequences of your irresponsible decisions. 

                TGIFriday’s, in a morally despicable move, is actively discouraging sharing, to which I say, nay. Sharing is caring. 

                Give me a pot sticker.

03 7 / 2014

               Before, he was a chunker with a boring beige suit. After. he’s a dapper dude with a very fine watch and dandy pocket square. What’s the difference? A few snips to the stomach, small intestine and restricted ability to absorb nutrients and Al is off to the races. And the bathroom.
              But gastric bypass surgery isn’t only for TV weathermen and Sharon Osbourne. It can be for you too! Sometimes though, you’re afraid of needles, or doctors, or ambulances or sterile rooms or people dressed all in blue - the things you need to get real surgery done. Lucky for you, fatty, Marc Carlin exists. And he is solving all your overweight-related, surgery-fearing problems through hypnosis. It’s so simple! Why haven’t we thought of this before? Just hypnotize people into thinking they’re healed. Your arm is broken? Look into my eyes….arm all better. Just make sure you load up on Vicodin for the rest of your life. Also maybe never use that arm again. Learning how to write left-handed is cool these days.
               Carlin is using his skills as a hypnotist to lull obese patients into a trance and make them believe they’ve actually had the weight-loss surgery. For a cool $1500, he will tell you one million times that you had surgery and are now a skinny bitch. He also throws in some fun special effects like hospital smells and sounds. Then you wake up and think you actually had your stomach shrunk and can no longer eat like you used to. Problem solved. Until one day you realize you have no scar and can still consume 27 Quesaritos in one sitting. Best day ever!
              Sometimes Carlin gets fully committed to the “realistic” hospital experience and you wind up missing a kidney. But look on the bright side - now you weight less.

               Before, he was a chunker with a boring beige suit. After. he’s a dapper dude with a very fine watch and dandy pocket square. What’s the difference? A few snips to the stomach, small intestine and restricted ability to absorb nutrients and Al is off to the races. And the bathroom.

              But gastric bypass surgery isn’t only for TV weathermen and Sharon Osbourne. It can be for you too! Sometimes though, you’re afraid of needles, or doctors, or ambulances or sterile rooms or people dressed all in blue - the things you need to get real surgery done. Lucky for you, fatty, Marc Carlin exists. And he is solving all your overweight-related, surgery-fearing problems through hypnosis. It’s so simple! Why haven’t we thought of this before? Just hypnotize people into thinking they’re healed. Your arm is broken? Look into my eyes….arm all better. Just make sure you load up on Vicodin for the rest of your life. Also maybe never use that arm again. Learning how to write left-handed is cool these days.

               Carlin is using his skills as a hypnotist to lull obese patients into a trance and make them believe they’ve actually had the weight-loss surgery. For a cool $1500, he will tell you one million times that you had surgery and are now a skinny bitch. He also throws in some fun special effects like hospital smells and sounds. Then you wake up and think you actually had your stomach shrunk and can no longer eat like you used to. Problem solved. Until one day you realize you have no scar and can still consume 27 Quesaritos in one sitting. Best day ever!

              Sometimes Carlin gets fully committed to the “realistic” hospital experience and you wind up missing a kidney. But look on the bright side - now you weight less.

27 6 / 2014

              You know you’re getting yourself into something good when the article you’re reading starts out with this:
“I live with twin 6-year-old boys, one of whom—Alex—is snake-obsessed. Every dream he has, every story he tells, every drawing he makes involves snakes.”
          This begs many questions, including: Why do you live with young boys? Does this child speak Parseltongue? How many other six-year-olds has Alex murdered? Can he tame snakes? How does he feel about worms? And so on.
          In Atlanta, children like Alex, and the man walking his snake above, will soon become the norm, because the city is being taken over by snakes. Thankfully, the good people of Atlanta have a plan to beat back the slithering invasion: more snakes. “What?” you may exclaim. “Yes,” say Atlantans, “because we are very bad at problem solving.” 
            The snakes are so ubiquitous that people are almost stepping on them. They’re sending EMAILS about them, Instagramming them! It’s crazy! One woman accidentally chopped one in half while clipping her hedges! Then she realized her hedge clippers were actually snakes! Insane! If you can snip a snake in half with hedge clippers by accident, you need to 1) pay a lot better attention when using sharp objects and 2) have your own reality show about killing wild animals with garden tools.
          Perhaps because their brains have melted in the humidity, one neighborhood group decided the best way to stem the hordes of lethal Copperhead snakes marauding through their yards was to release a shit ton of non-deadly snakes in their yards. Last I checked, terrifying snakes with fangs are not afraid of sissy snakes without teeth. They just feed them peanut brittle. 
              After one neighborhood set some snakes free, everyone else started jumping on the bandwagon, throwing “snake release parties” which could be a lot more interesting if they were released in movie theatres, planes, Discovery Zones or American Girl Doll stores. Unfortunately for us, they were released in a backyard and there was a local snake expert to ensure the snakes didn’t eat the snake-release-celebration cupcakes or suffocate a dog.
           According to wildlife experts, this is a horrible plan with “virtually no evidence that this will work”. This is the equivalent of getting rid of wasps by introducing thousands of bees into the environment. You will end up with a waspbeenado and we will all get stung 6577 times and/or drown in a sea of honey. 
        Best of all, it’s illegal in Georgia to move snakes without a permit. You should know better than that, Alex.

              You know you’re getting yourself into something good when the article you’re reading starts out with this:

I live with twin 6-year-old boys, one of whom—Alex—is snake-obsessed. Every dream he has, every story he tells, every drawing he makes involves snakes.”

          This begs many questions, including: Why do you live with young boys? Does this child speak Parseltongue? How many other six-year-olds has Alex murdered? Can he tame snakes? How does he feel about worms? And so on.

          In Atlanta, children like Alex, and the man walking his snake above, will soon become the norm, because the city is being taken over by snakes. Thankfully, the good people of Atlanta have a plan to beat back the slithering invasion: more snakes. “What?” you may exclaim. “Yes,” say Atlantans, “because we are very bad at problem solving.” 

            The snakes are so ubiquitous that people are almost stepping on them. They’re sending EMAILS about them, Instagramming them! It’s crazy! One woman accidentally chopped one in half while clipping her hedges! Then she realized her hedge clippers were actually snakes! Insane! If you can snip a snake in half with hedge clippers by accident, you need to 1) pay a lot better attention when using sharp objects and 2) have your own reality show about killing wild animals with garden tools.

          Perhaps because their brains have melted in the humidity, one neighborhood group decided the best way to stem the hordes of lethal Copperhead snakes marauding through their yards was to release a shit ton of non-deadly snakes in their yards. Last I checked, terrifying snakes with fangs are not afraid of sissy snakes without teeth. They just feed them peanut brittle. 

              After one neighborhood set some snakes free, everyone else started jumping on the bandwagon, throwing “snake release parties” which could be a lot more interesting if they were released in movie theatres, planes, Discovery Zones or American Girl Doll stores. Unfortunately for us, they were released in a backyard and there was a local snake expert to ensure the snakes didn’t eat the snake-release-celebration cupcakes or suffocate a dog.

           According to wildlife experts, this is a horrible plan with “virtually no evidence that this will work”. This is the equivalent of getting rid of wasps by introducing thousands of bees into the environment. You will end up with a waspbeenado and we will all get stung 6577 times and/or drown in a sea of honey. 

        Best of all, it’s illegal in Georgia to move snakes without a permit. You should know better than that, Alex.