Fabulous Life of...

Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? I’m NOT actually the prom queen?

No, Tyra, it’s worse. There is a woman with two vajayjays. And she’s on your show today.

This is from Tyra’s top-notch PR departments press release:

“Tyra Banks: ‘You’re the only pregnant woman that can get pregnant while pregnant.’” Except for the other 1 in 3000 women that have this issue. If that fact is right, then over 3,000 women in the state of New York have two vaginas. What?! How does this even work?

So Tyra’s astute observation is totally false. Not surprising. Especially because a woman who DOESN’T have two v’s just got double-pregnant. What is going on?

Is there a guy with two penises? Are you out there? If so, find this woman now and mate with her. Imagine what Lifetime would do for that power couple. They would probably trade a flock of midgets for you. Can’t turn that down.

How could you lose a baby this adorable? It looks like my Uncle Milton. If I had an Uncle Milton.

In Florida, apparently babies are easy to lose. There are a lot of distractions in the Sunshine State, like Disney World, alligators and the annual mullet toss. 

So, amidst all the excitement in the rural panhandle, Susan Baker, a top-notch babysitter, lost this wee tot, Shannon Dedrick, for five days. Where didn’t she look? 

Under the bed. The baby didn’t cry for five days? I want this baby. He is clearly Jesus. 

Here she comes. Miss America. What a sight to behold. Sigh.

But if you live in a city on the coast, a city with a literate population, or a city where incest is generally frowned upon, then she’s not coming.

Sarah Palin is about to go on a book tour. However, the tour is more about seeing small towns and connecting with “the Republican base” than actually promoting book sales. This “base” group is also known as “The Crazies,” soon to be featured in a major motion picture from Participant Media and Overture Films.

I digress. The Palinator is bypassing Seattle, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Chicago (except for Oprah), Philadelphia and New York (except for a media appearance). Instead, she’s heading to real America: Noblesville, Indiana and Washington, Pennsylvania. Apparently she has a thing for coal miners. Not surprising.

The tour kicks off November 18th at the epicenter of America: Grand Rapids, Missouri.

Nothing says going rogue like the Furniture City.

Slurpees are good. But wine is better.

So naturally, 7-Eleven is now making it’s own wine and selling it under the 7-Eleven brand. This is pleasing. It will sell for $3.99 and taste like muskrat urine. But it’s so cheap and you can get it on every corner. Beggars can’t be choosers. Unless you are a homeless person in New York who refuses food. Because food can’t buy you alcohol or meth. So, choosers they remain.

Anyways, 7-Eleven will soon be selling a chardonnay and a cabernet sauvignon, alongside their other store-branded offerings: cookies, candy, chips and beef jerky.

Clearly, wine was the next step. Bottoms up.

Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. EW.

Cats. That is how I feel about you. And so does a town in Massachusetts. Have you ever heard of it? No. It’s called Dudley. George Washington camped there. It has a lovely town website. The most exciting feature is a link to Mass Wildlife, in case you are having problems with raccoons or fishers or “other wildlife.” What about possums?

But in Dudley, the other wildlife is cats. Hence, the wise 10,036 citizens of Dudley have made it illegal to own more than three cats without a kennel permit.

This new law was inspired by a woman who owned FIFTEEN cats. They ruined some guys lawn, so he got mad. Now the cat-lady owner is planning to move to a more “cat-friendly community.”

Try Afghanistan. I hear cat is delicious. Catrecipes.com thinks so too.

Hola, bear, popping out of cave. You almost look cuddly.

Too bad for some militants in Kashmir, you aren’t. Because you find some Kashmiri militants hiding in your cave eating your porridge. Just kidding, they weren’t eating your porridge. They were eating pudding.

But what’s a bear to do when he finds two dudes in his cave armed with AK-46s? Kill them. Roar.

Breaking news: Spencer is literate. Not breaking news. Heidi can rub her own body while simultaneously looking like she’s in a coma. It’s an art.

But, not only can the slowly-becoming-albino couple allegedly read, they can also allegedly write. And they’ve “written” a book. Spoiler alert: It’s horrendous. “How to Be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture.” Haven’t you always dreamed for that?

Other chapters include “Pretty on the Outside” - no mention of your inner beauty. Everyone knows thats just a trick people play on the uglies. And “A Woman’s Weapons of Mass Destruction.” Answer? Her tears. Are they nuclear? Heidi’s probably are. She and Kim Jong-il go way back. 

What is going on here? Oh, just a drunk Russian forklift operator crashing and bringing down an entire warehouse of vodka and cognac onto his head. Luckily, no one was hurt. Just wasted.

winstonwolfe:

Probably hot dog flavored in honor of A-rod, Swisher, Burnett, Joba, etc., etc.

And the NY should be way fatter.

Rebloged from : winstonwolfe

I knew it!