Fabulous Life of...

Hello, citizens of Venezuela. See this golden toilet paper? It’s your new currency. Besides being short on food, toothpaste, coffee and non-mustachioed leaders, the country is now out of toilet paper. How many more rolls do they need? Just 40 million. 

Luckily, the government understands how numbers work, and they’re planning to import FIFTY million rolls of TP, so they’ll have some extra for when everyone eats rotten cabbage. 

The commerce minister has shared no details on when or where this toilet paper is coming from. All signs point to Cuba. They’re awash in it. There’s just no one there to see it.

This is the fourth picture that comes up when you Google Image “japanese politics”, so one can only assume that they get a lot done there. 

And one Japanese politician, probably the guy in glasses in the back checking his phone for Tinder matches, has an idea for us. Specifically, for our armed forces: “American soldiers should use more prostitutes.” Is this a plan to stimulate the Japanese economy? Unclear. To his credit, there’s some logic behind it. “They are overflowing with energy. We have to think about the way they can let it out somewhere.” I have a few ideas of how soldiers could use their energy: CrossFit, Dance Dance Revolution, fighting iguanas, crawling back and forth across the entire island of Japan “army style”, parkour. The possibilities are endless. 

The politician, Toru Hashimoto, is the mayor of Osaka and member of the right-wing Japan Restoration Party, and it turns out this isn’t the first time he’s supported military sexing. He’s also a fan of sex slaves - previously defending Japan’s practice of keeping women as captive “comfort women” during World War II. 

“It must have been necessary at that time. For soldiers who risked their lives…if you want them to get some rest, a comfort women system was necessary. That’s clear to anyone.” Yeah, morons. Why don’t you get it? The soldiers are overflowing with energy, so they need prostitutes to help them rest. Clear as day. Pink suit woman climbing across parliament gets it. 

Yes. This is the answer. When there is a problem in front of you, or even just near you, break out your bulldozer and move it out of the way. I promise it works.

This was the strategy employed by Barry Swegle yesterday when he encountered the problem of his neighbor’s houses. Solution? Crushing them with his trusty International Harvester TD-45. Swegle, of Washington, allegedly had a long-running dispute with his neighbors, but no one seems to know what it was about. Perhaps they were annoyed at him due to his disruptive behavior, since he was always doing things like digging “random holes with a bulldozer late at night.” I was unaware one could even dig holes with the machines, so well done Barry! I thought they mostly pushed things around.

Swegle bulldozed his way through four houses and a utility pole, managing to cut off power to thousands of people. Luckily, no one was hurt, and Barry is now in jail for malicious mischief.

Prison walls are no match for bulldozers.

Don’t fly away Google! I need you. And so do these people, who were on an internet quest for information, leading them to click on The Fabulous Life Of…because clearly they are online amateurs. 

• Cuban bullfinch fighting: They use cigars as swords - it’s amazing

• Girl cow cookies: I don’t even get it. Is this code for cow poop?

• Male tights and sweater: Just promise you aren’t snapchatting anyone

• Jungle monkey tattoo sleeve: A sleeve ON a jungle monkey or a sleeve OF jungle monkeys? Are there non-jungle monkeys?

• Spraying flowers with water: You, friend, are officially the most boring human alive,.gjfx/////////////rag;;;z. Sorry, I fell asleep typing that sentence

Except I can only eat pistols now because I had lap-band surgery. It really does curb your appetite. 

News broke this morning that New Jersey governor Chris Christie “secretly” had lap-band weight loss surgery in February in order to be healthier for his wife and kids. Chris has done a pretty good job of keeping it a secret - like by not actually getting skinnier. Totally pulled the wool over my eyes. 

Christie claims to have lost 40 pounds. This is impossible, unless he had a secret fat roll weighing 40 pounds on his left foot that no one ever sees because it’s always behind a podium. The governor was advised to go under the knife by his fellow reincarnated hippo, Rex Ryan. 

“This means he’s running for president. He’s showing people he can get his weight in control. It was the one thing holding him back,” a political analyst tells the NY Post. Yes. It was. How can one run when one cannot see ones ankles? 

I’m not quite sure what’s happening here. But I think Big Ben is turning into a rocket ship. Maybe this is what the North Koreans plan on using to launch their nuclear warheads. The Brits won’t know what hit them.

Despite horrific poverty and mass starvation, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un has decided that the country has bigger problems to tackle. Namely the lack of replicas of famous world monuments. To remedy this situation, the country is building a “miniature world” park including small-scale recreations of Big Ben, the Eiffel Tower and more. Hopefully the more includes the Pyramids and a giant sandcastle in the image of Dennis Rodman’s face.

Jong Un has declared a new slogan for the country, “No More Belt-Tightening”, in a bid to move away from previous decades of austerity measures.

The best way to implement this strategy? Just stop wearing belts. It makes it so easy. 

Only the finest real estate for PDQ - I hear a Tilted Kilt is going up on the other side. Do you know what PDQ is? It has no relation to things being delivered quickly. It’s a chicken restaurant. And it has employees who are “People Dedicated to Quality”. 

Hence, the person most associated with a dedication to quality is jumping on the chicken train: Tim Tebow. 

Now that the ‘bow is no longer flying like a Jet, he needs new ways to pass his time. You can only pray for so many hours a day. So he’s decided to put his talents and wallet towards a solid investment - the PDQ chicken chain, based in Florida. 

The restaurant offers a wide variety of chicken, ranging from grilled to fried to crispy to caesar to spicy. There is also a sauce option called “Sweet Heat”, which is definitely what Tim calls his running game. If you want to lean towards the healthy side of the menu, just grab a side of the blueberry coleslaw. **Inside PDQ tasting facility** “These blueberries are good.” “Yes!” “But how could we make them better….?” **Looks around kitchen** “Mayonnaise” “Nailed it.”

Fingers crossed that this is all just an elaborate ruse for Tim to run a meth lab. At least then he would have his dignity. And a shit ton of money.

Breaking news: HOT COFFEE. Also of note, it’s served by girls in bikinis in wooden huts on the side of the road. Turns out - the Pacific Northwest is weirder than I thought. 

Apparently, there is a trend in Washington State involving random kiosks serving coffee everywhere you go: the forest, the parking lot at the mall, across from the waste treatment plant, anywhere there is room for a small structure, etc. This is attributable to the fact that Washingtonians supplement their blood with coffee. It’s like doping for the Tour de France, but on a daily basis and to be better at walking to your car or doing the laundry rather than biking 4000 miles. 

What makes copious coffee consumption even better? Girls in bikinis, known in Washington as “bikini baristas.” Because I definitely want the people serving me hot beverages to be wearing less clothing. It just makes sense. 

One of these coffee chains, “Grab-N-Go” recently ran into some issues when customers, who were merely following the example of the owner, decided to take the name of the kiosk literally. The owner is now being charged with sexually exploiting a teenager and customers are accused of getting “shows” from the baristas, without any coffee ever changing hands. To be fair, they did pay for the girls to take their shirts off. 

I guess the coffee isn’t that good.

Sometimes you just can’t turn off the news. Or the baseball game. Or the Wendy Williams show, which is sort of a combination of the two. You want to take it with you when you drive your kids to soccer practice, go to the grocery store, and lead police on a high speed chase through South of the Border. I needed to find out if she really DID cheat on him with her cousin’s nephew’s landscaper! 

And lucky for you (if you live in Japan), you can have TV with you even while you’re driving, thanks to Autobacs. The company will convert your nav system into a handy device, also known as a television, to keep you entertained while you cruise the streets of Tokyo. To be clear, even though Autobacs creates, manufactures, markets and sells these devices, it “does not mean we’re recommending it,” according to a company spokesperson. Perfect. Just like if I worked at Skechers I would most certainly NOT recommend that you purchase Shape Ups. 

One fan of the nav-turned-tv is mom Kaori Hirata, a fan of the Japanese boy band Arashi. She watches DVDs of the teen dreamboats as she drives as “a form of therapy.” I anticipate untold years of therapy in the future for Kaori to cover 1) her crippling addiction to 14 year old girl music and 2) to repair her shattered collarbone after she crashes her minivan into a mailbox after distracted forgetting about the road. Kazunari is so hot. 

Japan actually has some of the strictest driving laws in the world: no cellphones while driving, 0% BAC, and most importantly, no “staring” at screens in your car. A sidelong glance/ogle though? I think you could swing it. And great for you Japanese driver - the police have no idea how to enforce this law. “It’s very tough to figure out whether someone is making improper eye contact with the dashboard,” says local policeman Koshiro Sawaguchi. I know, right? Maybe you’re just trying to be friendly and the dashboard totally thought you were checking her out. Don’t be that guy. But you can be that guy watching ‘House of Cards’ on the road. What will Frank Underwod do next?!

.@anthonyweiner - I would have probably chosen to make my head smaller than my torso, but that’s a personal choice for @anthonyweiner, who today decided to get back on that proverbial horse named Twitter and give it another shot. That pun just came out and I didn’t even mean it to. 

In case you have forgotten or lost your memory falling of the Twitter horse, Weiner resigned from his Congressional seat in New York last year after sending a cock shot intended to be a DM to a college student to his tens of thousands of followers as a regular tweet. Lesson 1) Learn how fucking Twitter works. Technically yes, a “direct message” and a tweet are both messages sent directly to people. However, option A is direct to the young girl you are trying to seduce via peen pics, while option B is direct to…all your followers. When in doubt, select option A. In life and on the SATs.

Weiner is now back in the game, exciting his new followers (just over 5,000 as of now) with fun links to his policy papers, indicating that his new social media policy is “Be the boringest one.” Based off his understanding of the general mechanics of Twitter, this seems about right. 

If he really does want to run for mayor, like everyone thinks is this ultimate plan he needs to step up his game. I would like to suggest the following options: 1. Constant JibJabs of himself, preferably set to disco. 2. Constant cock shots. 3. Twitter contest to name his balls. He will have to nominate them as campaign finance advisors. 3. Cage fight a leopard if he gets 100,000 followers. 

That’s just a quick brainstorm, Weiner, but feel free to shoot me a DM if you need more ideas.