Fabulous Life of...

If one of these studmuffins offered me a beer, I would totally accept their generous offer. First of all - a free drink. Second of all - the opportunity to be in the presence of the hair care/metal band greatness that is Iron Maiden.

Natural progression of former rock stars: let your hair grow to Gandalf-lengths. Shed your t-shirts for the more liberating “leather-vest-only” look. Get a reality TV show. Make a random product that you can attach your name to. Ozzy Osbourne will soon start a bat-repelling spray company. Rod Stewart is in talks to launch a porcupine taxidermy shop in LA. Bret Michaels is just busy trying not to die. 

And now Iron Maiden is launching a beer, called “Trooper”, in collaboration with U.K. brewery Robinsons. The beer’s label will have a demon-faced guy named Eddie with a British flag. A demon skeleton with an accent drinks this beer? Sign me up. I want to be like him. 

Bruce Dickinson, the leader of the band, used to be a professional fencer, so his choice to go into hawking beer rather than swords and/or body armor is puzzling. I would naturally brand my swords with a devilish British corpse/brand mascot, stabbing a French person and/or crepe. This seems to be more in-line with the band’s branding than a beer, but British people will drink pretty much anything, so why not toss another alcohol delivery device into the mix.

That demon corpse on the bottle: warning or challenge?

This is a true statement. If you didn’t love moonshine, you would be sober for at least three hours a week, allowing you to realize that you in fact do not love your husband. This may be attributable to the fact that your “husband” is either a) Steven Ray Tickle or b) a lawn chair. 

If you picked option A), then I have some bad news for you. Your husband, star of the Discovery Channel show “Moonshiners” was arrested last week for public intoxication. I’m as shocked as you are. 

The fact the Discovery Channel can air a show featuring hillbillies brewing alcohol in their trailers is insane. It’s like if Breaking Bad were real. Which would be awesome (because it doesn’t involve West Virginia or SRT). I would hire Saul to be my lawyer, personal assistant and best friend. Maybe he’d even let me use that “work out” machine. 

Back to Mr. Tickle, he was initially arrested in the parking lot of a Virginia convenience store because he was hammered. They would have just sent him back across the border, however, he was “unable to make arrangements for someone to pick him up.” Perhaps due to the fact that he can no longer see his phone contacts due to moonshine-induced blindness. Take me home, country roads.

Do you have strollers too? I’m hoping to stock up for all my life stages: college, marriage, motherhood, and then when I’m older, survivalist/huntress. 

Guns are a thing in Maine. Snow guns, laser guns and most importantly, all the guns you can amass. Who knows when Canada’s going to try to invade again? I hear they want our fat people to boil into syrup, now that someone lost the keys to their strategic maple bunker. 

One town in Maine takes its guns particularly seriously. They elected an assault rifle mayor of the city. Just kidding - that would be CRAZY. Instead, they tried to pass legislation requiring every household in the city to own a gun. And ammunition. So I couldn’t just scare the shit out of the mailman every day. I’d actually have to shoot him. Or I guess I could just slingshot some bullets at him. 

Luckily, Byron, Maine still has a few sane residents, 50 of whom showed up to vote against this proposal for reasons including “Hussey’s doesn’t sell ammo” to this is too much “government overreach”. If we all decided to stockpile AR-15s on our own though, different story. In fact, new plan guys: meet me at Hussey’s. 

Correct me if I’m wrong, but you may have already found it. Just a guess. Here’s what else Googlers were looking for, besides Google:

1800s school paddles - Collector’s items. Also just as effective now as they were 200 years ago. Can’t say that about most things. 

eight babies at once - Pretty sure this is technically known as octuplets and also, my nightmare. 

handling serpants - Are these a new type of pants we are talking about that need to be washed delicately? Or are you just illiterate? Go pat your snakes.

tila tequila having lesbian sex and other people having sex too - You really know what you’re looking for. Except you didn’t specify what kind of sex the other people are having. You fail! And you reminded me of the existence of Tila Tequila. I had successfully scrubbed that being from my memory. Thanks for nothing.

This is on the first page of Google Images when you search “TSA”, so it’s confirmed: Ryan Gosling wins the Internet. And now, Ryan can bring his trusty pocketknife on his flight to LA with him, because the TSA is allowing passengers to bring small knives and “sporting goods” as carry-ons again, after a long post-9/11 ban. Besides knives, you can also now carry on previously weaponized items including two golf clubs (but not three, because then you have a deadly trifecta), wiffle ball bats, and most importantly, pool cues. If you can do bodily harm to someone with a wiffle ball bat, you deserve to commandeer that plane. You can probably Denzel the shit out of that crash landing. 

Sadly, the TSA is still holding out on its long-standing vendetta against farmers and ninjas. No pitchforks or nunchucks allowed. Also, no grenades. Sucks, I know.

According to TSA spokesman Doug Laird, the move to re-allow knives on planes is just a step by the national aviation agency towards “catching up with the rest of the world.” When it comes to aviation safety, I would prefer that we not do that. In 2011, Latin America had more commercial aircraft accidents than in any other developing part of the world. One out of two planes in Russia crash. In Africa, the aviation safety board is a flock of six flamingos who promise not to fly into the engine. Why would they want to do that anyways? 

No word on whether bottled water is still more deadly than a knife. 

This is about to become the best-selling book in Montana. That will require that 7 people buy it. Why such a hit? Because they just passed a bill allowing people to scrape roadkill off the highway and sauté it up for Fourth Meal. And to do that, you need recipes. Not everyone can turn a mushed possum into piergories.

The impetus for this legislation was that people in Montana are really good at murdering animals with their cars. State Rep. Steve Lavin explains, “People hit a lot of animals on roadways, and I mean a ton of them.” Literally, 2000+ pounds of meat. It’s the only way to keep the moose from taking over the state government and installing a Communist government. Ram them repeatedly with your F150. 

And also people, it’s just practical. “There’s a lot of good meat being wasted out there,” says Lavin. Truth. Now make me a mooseburger.

Good news! Even after dying your hair every color imaginable, it can still grow with the strength and vigor to look like that. Or maybe this is just the case for Dennis Rodman, who is now sporting a healthy head of hair, looking sharp for his big day today in…North Korea. 

If this is our newest diplomatic strategy, I’m slightly concerned about John Kerry as secretary of state. Hilary would have sent Lebron, who would proceed to dunk Kim Jong-Un through a hoop and then talk for an hour about his decision to do so. 

Tuesday, Dennis Rodman and several other members of the Harlem Globetrotters arrived in North Korea to run a basketball camp for children (if the kids have eaten enough gruel to stand up) and play with “North Korea’s top basketball stars” in an exercise in sports diplomacy. The game against the stars will most likely consist of Dennis Rodman standing at center court while tiny men attempt to scale his legs, koala-style, until he just hands them the ball. The ball is actually a Hello Kitty purses. 

Kim Jung-Un will ref. I’m pretty sure North Korea wins. 

This is true. Also a popcorn bucket of tiny waffles would be delicious. Someone get on that. 

And at a Waffle House in Atlanta, you now have to pay a 20% security surcharge to be part of the movie. Just to make sure you don’t get shot while you’re trying to cram your Toddle House omelet into your purse for later. They keep surprisingly well!

The Underground Atlanta Waffle House location has an off-duty police officer patrolling the restaurant seven days a week to “help with crowd control and ensure the safety of customers and employees”. Customers get a 20% fee added to their bills to pay the cops salary. He, in turn, does his best to ensure that patrons aren’t turning syrup bottles into shivs and getting all stabby. Apparently, there is no other food available underneath the city of Atlanta besides waffles if crowd control is an issue at a Waffle House. This is unexpected, as I thought all major cities had underground food courts - commonly known as sewers. 

If you’re in the area though, it’s probably worth a visit. Just ask TripAdvisor about Underground Atlanta: “a dimly-lit subterranean version of a failing suburban mall.” Count me in. And make me some tiny popcorn-sized waffles.

If this fireplace had its own TV channel, I would probably watch it. Provided that it also spoke sometimes and things got thrown into its mouth. Just small things like Hayden Panettiere. 

To experience such joys though, I will have to move to Norway. Because there, they understand the entertainment value of fireplaces. So much so that on Friday, the state TV station NRK broadcast TWELVE straight hours of riveting footage of a burning fireplace. They livened it up with “cultural segments” including poems and music (presumably about incinerating things) and expert advice on topics ranging from setting fires, putting out fires, stacking wood, unstacking wood, and placement of wood within your fireplace. Somehow, Norway is only #91 internationally for suicides. 

NRK pitchman Rune Moeklebust does a strong job selling the show: “It will be very slow but noble television.” Perfect. I usually just set my DVR to record anything noble. Unfortunately it usually just catches Last of the Mohicans and Indian in the Cupboard.

If my name were Rune Moeklebust I would have a way better job. Probably as a modern-day Norwegian folk hero who saves windmills from German wood-boring beetles, an underwear model or Stieg Larsson character. 

Fireplaces aren’t a new phenomenon in the country. Norway’s second best-selling book of 2012 (second only to Fifty Shades of Grey) was a “firewood book” by Lars Mytting, “Norway’s biggest firewood celebrity.” How many are there? If I move to Norway and start lighting fires on the streets and demonstrating proper ax-handling techniques can I be Norway’s second biggest firewood celebrity? Fourth? 

When it comes down to it, this firewood show is actually a sure bet, since staring at pine sap and watching the dryer are national pastimes. In 2011, 3.2 million people tuned in at some point over 134 hours of non-stop coverage of a cruise ship steaming along the coast to the Arctic.  And in 2009, 478,000 watched the footage from a video camera strapped to a turtle’s back as he walked the staggering distance from Olso to Tromsø. And every year, if you want a TV to watch these triumphs of the silver screen, you have to pay a $300 television license fee. 

Two truths and a lie, Norway edition. Take a guess.