14 10 / 2013

                 This is the kind of thing that happens when the government shuts down. There’s no one to make the rules, and there’s no one to make sure we follow the rules. So squirrels grow to the size of small ponies and people just start riding them. This is how life would be if we didn’t have John Boehner to keep things in line. 
                  Squirrels are also causing problems in Michelle Obama’s garden. Not a euphemism. They are actually eating all her tomatoes. Still being literal. When the government shuts down, it means that government-paid gardeners can no longer work. Except that they can a little. Only to water the plants. But weeding or raking or jousting with ravenous squirrels? Ain’t nobody got time (or funding) for that. 
            Hence, the squirrels are decimating all of Mish’s vegetables, and even more upsetting, “yellow and brown leaves remain” on the potted dwarf papaya tree. It has FIVE ripe papayas on it!!! And there is no one to pick them. Except the squirrels. 
              I always knew they would win in the end.

                 This is the kind of thing that happens when the government shuts down. There’s no one to make the rules, and there’s no one to make sure we follow the rules. So squirrels grow to the size of small ponies and people just start riding them. This is how life would be if we didn’t have John Boehner to keep things in line. 

                  Squirrels are also causing problems in Michelle Obama’s garden. Not a euphemism. They are actually eating all her tomatoes. Still being literal. When the government shuts down, it means that government-paid gardeners can no longer work. Except that they can a little. Only to water the plants. But weeding or raking or jousting with ravenous squirrels? Ain’t nobody got time (or funding) for that. 

            Hence, the squirrels are decimating all of Mish’s vegetables, and even more upsetting, “yellow and brown leaves remain” on the potted dwarf papaya tree. It has FIVE ripe papayas on it!!! And there is no one to pick them. Except the squirrels. 

              I always knew they would win in the end.

11 10 / 2013

I always knew I liked Cynthia Rowley. Girl knows what’s up. Sometimes, you need your accessories to hold some alcohol for you. Bags are always getting searched, flasks getting confiscated, CamelBak’s full of wine being seized, etc. 
So Cynthia decided she needed to help out the alcoholic fashion-plates of the world by creating the Flask Bangle. Somewhere Lindsay Lohan just peed her pants. 
If you’re into gold, this magnificent creation can be yours for just $365. Or if you’re more of a silver girl, a mere $225. 
Or if you’re an innovator, the patent is still pending so there’s still a chance. Create one with a pattern, with an easy to open flip cap, and you are the new Steve Jobs of addiction enablement. Collect $1million dollars and buy some hotels. 
How many do you think I can fit on each arm?

I always knew I liked Cynthia Rowley. Girl knows what’s up. Sometimes, you need your accessories to hold some alcohol for you. Bags are always getting searched, flasks getting confiscated, CamelBak’s full of wine being seized, etc. 

So Cynthia decided she needed to help out the alcoholic fashion-plates of the world by creating the Flask Bangle. Somewhere Lindsay Lohan just peed her pants. 

If you’re into gold, this magnificent creation can be yours for just $365. Or if you’re more of a silver girl, a mere $225. 

Or if you’re an innovator, the patent is still pending so there’s still a chance. Create one with a pattern, with an easy to open flip cap, and you are the new Steve Jobs of addiction enablement. Collect $1million dollars and buy some hotels. 

How many do you think I can fit on each arm?

02 10 / 2013

             Think the government shutdown is bad? That shit is nothing. The fish hatchery workers are still artificially inseminating carp, so I’m pretty sure we’re all set. 
               You know what is bad? Nuclear jellyfish. You think you’re just casually swimming in the sea when all of a sudden you are a melted oil slick on top of the water, because you got jelly-nuked. 
                A nuclear plant in Sweden is being swarmed by tons (as in tens of thousands of oozy pounds) of jellyfish, causing the cooling pipes to clog and the reactor, one of the largest in the world, to be shut down. The next natural conclusion is that the jellies are now essentially floating, stinging nuclear weapons. 
              Apparently jellyfish have a habit of gumming up the cooling systems of nuclear plants. Not cool guys. We need our energy - and we don’t want you turning into mutant seabeasts that will take Tom Hanks hostage on an oil tanker or eat Myrtle Beach. 
               According to a Swedish marine biologist, “the biggest problem right now is that there’s no monitoring of jellyfish in the Baltic Sea.”

                     #swedishpeopleproblems

             Think the government shutdown is bad? That shit is nothing. The fish hatchery workers are still artificially inseminating carp, so I’m pretty sure we’re all set. 

               You know what is bad? Nuclear jellyfish. You think you’re just casually swimming in the sea when all of a sudden you are a melted oil slick on top of the water, because you got jelly-nuked. 

                A nuclear plant in Sweden is being swarmed by tons (as in tens of thousands of oozy pounds) of jellyfish, causing the cooling pipes to clog and the reactor, one of the largest in the world, to be shut down. The next natural conclusion is that the jellies are now essentially floating, stinging nuclear weapons. 

              Apparently jellyfish have a habit of gumming up the cooling systems of nuclear plants. Not cool guys. We need our energy - and we don’t want you turning into mutant seabeasts that will take Tom Hanks hostage on an oil tanker or eat Myrtle Beach. 

               According to a Swedish marine biologist, “the biggest problem right now is that there’s no monitoring of jellyfish in the Baltic Sea.”

                     #swedishpeopleproblems

12 9 / 2013

        I am king of the pigs - floating above the teeming hordes. And guess what? I’m really good at squealing. Sort of my thing. And my pig friends and I are so good at it that sometimes we get a little carried away. And people go deaf.
            A farm worker in France successfully sued his former employee for damages caused by the work hazard of thousands of pigs constantly emitting horrible pig sounds into his eardrums. It’s unclear what is compensation will be…but whatever it is…it’s not bringing his hearing back. I can imagine no worse way to go deaf than your eardrums slowly being disintegrated by the wails of future pork tenderloin. I would way rather be eating said meat cylinders.
           At least the farmer still has his sense of taste #baconisGOODforme

        I am king of the pigs - floating above the teeming hordes. And guess what? I’m really good at squealing. Sort of my thing. And my pig friends and I are so good at it that sometimes we get a little carried away. And people go deaf.

            A farm worker in France successfully sued his former employee for damages caused by the work hazard of thousands of pigs constantly emitting horrible pig sounds into his eardrums. It’s unclear what is compensation will be…but whatever it is…it’s not bringing his hearing back. I can imagine no worse way to go deaf than your eardrums slowly being disintegrated by the wails of future pork tenderloin. I would way rather be eating said meat cylinders.

           At least the farmer still has his sense of taste #baconisGOODforme

Permalink 1 note

10 9 / 2013

                   Thumbs up kids! I’m your dad. Yup. All of you. 
                   Richard Hatch, the naked Survivor, tax evader and jailbird, has another passion besides reality TV: sharing his sperm. Every egg would be lucky for a chance to get those baby blues fertilized into it.
                   Ever the entrepreneur, Hatch made ends meet in college by donating his sperm to the Cryobank in Fairfax, VA. And he had a lot of ends to meet, because he swung by the repository several hundred times. Apparently he didn’t go to class a lot. 
               In a recent interview, Hatch claims to have donated 2-3 times a week, meaning he may be the father of several hundred children. Lucky for two surviving zygotes, they got to meet their dad.
               ”Hi Dad!” “Hi kids! Meet my adopted son. He has none of my genes, hence, he is worthy of being in my family. Also, this is my husband, Emiliano.” 
              The true Hatchlings then weep for joy and go home to their normal families. What about the other 200+ Hatch offspring You have to populate the cast of Big Brother somehow.

                   Thumbs up kids! I’m your dad. Yup. All of you. 

                   Richard Hatch, the naked Survivor, tax evader and jailbird, has another passion besides reality TV: sharing his sperm. Every egg would be lucky for a chance to get those baby blues fertilized into it.

                   Ever the entrepreneur, Hatch made ends meet in college by donating his sperm to the Cryobank in Fairfax, VA. And he had a lot of ends to meet, because he swung by the repository several hundred times. Apparently he didn’t go to class a lot. 

               In a recent interview, Hatch claims to have donated 2-3 times a week, meaning he may be the father of several hundred children. Lucky for two surviving zygotes, they got to meet their dad.

               ”Hi Dad!” “Hi kids! Meet my adopted son. He has none of my genes, hence, he is worthy of being in my family. Also, this is my husband, Emiliano.” 

              The true Hatchlings then weep for joy and go home to their normal families. What about the other 200+ Hatch offspring You have to populate the cast of Big Brother somehow.

26 8 / 2013

imwithkanye:

Only At The VMAs. Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez and a friend watch Miley Cyrus’ “We Can’t Stop.”

Guy on the left is having neck spasms

imwithkanye:

Only At The VMAs. Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez and a friend watch Miley Cyrus’ “We Can’t Stop.”

Guy on the left is having neck spasms

Permalink 210 notes

19 8 / 2013

            Didn’t you always want a pet as a kid? I did. Then we lost the class rabbit over Thanksgiving vacation and pet plans got put on hold. 
             A four-year-old in California has come up with the best way to trick your parents into getting you a pet: grow it inside you. Last month, Paul was at the beach, doing beach things, when he got a little clumsy, fell down and scraped his knee. No big deal. Until his knee got swollen and had a black lump in it a few weeks later. 
           Doctors gave him antibiotics, but it wasn’t helping enough. So his mom did what all mom’s do. Ignore the doctor and “pop” his swollen knee to drain it. Those doctor’s only went to medical school. I had a baby. I win. 
             Turns out, she was right, because out of his knee popped a little black thing. Which was a SNAIL. It thought his knee would be a nice little place to incubate, hatch and grow into full snailness. 
              Lucky for Paul, in order for him to capitalize on his medical freakness, he is allowed to keep the snail as a pet, and named it “Turbo” after the animated movie out this summer. 
              1) Kids have no creativity anymore. My little sister had a stuffed rabbit named “Jellybean Coolidge”
              2) We’re all going to become snailpeople

            Didn’t you always want a pet as a kid? I did. Then we lost the class rabbit over Thanksgiving vacation and pet plans got put on hold. 

             A four-year-old in California has come up with the best way to trick your parents into getting you a pet: grow it inside you. Last month, Paul was at the beach, doing beach things, when he got a little clumsy, fell down and scraped his knee. No big deal. Until his knee got swollen and had a black lump in it a few weeks later. 

           Doctors gave him antibiotics, but it wasn’t helping enough. So his mom did what all mom’s do. Ignore the doctor and “pop” his swollen knee to drain it. Those doctor’s only went to medical school. I had a baby. I win. 

             Turns out, she was right, because out of his knee popped a little black thing. Which was a SNAIL. It thought his knee would be a nice little place to incubate, hatch and grow into full snailness. 

              Lucky for Paul, in order for him to capitalize on his medical freakness, he is allowed to keep the snail as a pet, and named it “Turbo” after the animated movie out this summer. 

              1) Kids have no creativity anymore. My little sister had a stuffed rabbit named “Jellybean Coolidge”

              2) We’re all going to become snailpeople

15 8 / 2013

                This costume is so realistic, I did a double take. What is that lion doing carrying a tiny basket?! 
                 The people of China can be fooled also: Oh, this isn’t chicken? I could’ve sworn this was non-poisoned milk. I can’t believe this is lead paint - can’t tell the difference at all!  Tastes just like unleaded. 
                   But they aren’t just fooled by consumer goods, restaurants and their government. Now the zoos are getting involved. All those animals? Actually people. 
                  I kid. They’re dogs. Specifically, the “African lion” kept at the zoo of the People’s Park of Luohe. The ruse was uncovered when a tot pointed out to his mom that lions are supposed to roar, not bark. And this lion was barking. China does a good job of educating their children on animal sounds. 
                   The zoo claims they really do have a lion, they swear. But he was out of town. Forever. On the African grasslands.
                   They’ll own that place someday anyways.

                This costume is so realistic, I did a double take. What is that lion doing carrying a tiny basket?! 

                 The people of China can be fooled also: Oh, this isn’t chicken? I could’ve sworn this was non-poisoned milk. I can’t believe this is lead paint - can’t tell the difference at all!  Tastes just like unleaded. 

                   But they aren’t just fooled by consumer goods, restaurants and their government. Now the zoos are getting involved. All those animals? Actually people. 

                  I kid. They’re dogs. Specifically, the “African lion” kept at the zoo of the People’s Park of Luohe. The ruse was uncovered when a tot pointed out to his mom that lions are supposed to roar, not bark. And this lion was barking. China does a good job of educating their children on animal sounds. 

                   The zoo claims they really do have a lion, they swear. But he was out of town. Forever. On the African grasslands.

                   They’ll own that place someday anyways.

12 8 / 2013

Probably not the guy with the bowtie and fancy cap. My money’s on Jesus. I just have a good feeling about him. 
And turns out, we almost had another Messiah among us: a seven-month-old baby in Tennessee, son to Jaleesa and unnamed baby daddy. The proud parents couldn’t decide on a last name for the child, which ended them up in a family court. Picking a first name was easy, because how could you NOT see this face and pick Messiah? But the last name caused an issue. What did the judge do? Rename the child altogether, with one parent’s last name as the first name and the other’s as the last - so the new baby name is Martin McCullough. He is 100% growing up to be a high school history teacher. 
The mom’s problem is - the judge (named LuAnn so this decision is actually surprising) officially removed Messiah from the baby’s name altogether. Why? “I thought out into the future”
LuAnn Ballew - protecting futures every day.

Probably not the guy with the bowtie and fancy cap. My money’s on Jesus. I just have a good feeling about him. 

And turns out, we almost had another Messiah among us: a seven-month-old baby in Tennessee, son to Jaleesa and unnamed baby daddy. The proud parents couldn’t decide on a last name for the child, which ended them up in a family court. Picking a first name was easy, because how could you NOT see this face and pick Messiah? But the last name caused an issue. What did the judge do? Rename the child altogether, with one parent’s last name as the first name and the other’s as the last - so the new baby name is Martin McCullough. He is 100% growing up to be a high school history teacher. 

The mom’s problem is - the judge (named LuAnn so this decision is actually surprising) officially removed Messiah from the baby’s name altogether. Why? “I thought out into the future”

LuAnn Ballew - protecting futures every day.

09 8 / 2013

Former Mass. Senator Scott Brown has a brother. And that brother is a serious law enforcement enthusiast. As a child, he must have dreamed of a noble career as a cop, firefighter or merchant marine member - fighting crime and wearing bombass uniforms. 
However, the stars didn’t align in Bruce Browne’s favor (He spells it differently. I’d be embarrassed to be related to this guy too). And he didn’t grow up to be a policeman. Or a Navy SEAL. Or even a postal worker. No government jobs for you Bruce Browne.
But Bruce isn’t a quitter. No, he’s a go-getter. So he decided to go-get himself a police uniform, a TSA badge, a “police-type vehicle”, handcuffs and a lot of guns. This explains why he failed police school, because everyone knows the TSA and the police are totally different things. The TSA gets to touch you more.
Browne was arrested in Connecticut yesterday for impersonating an officer and carrying a gun. But Bruce, as a go-getter, wasn’t satisfied to just impersonate a po. He aspires to greater things - like the Coast Guard. And earlier in the day, he commandeered a boat and stopped three different boaters, asking them for their registrations.
Bruce is already out on bail, and definitely plotting his next municipal mimicry. My money’s on National Park Ranger. 

Former Mass. Senator Scott Brown has a brother. And that brother is a serious law enforcement enthusiast. As a child, he must have dreamed of a noble career as a cop, firefighter or merchant marine member - fighting crime and wearing bombass uniforms. 

However, the stars didn’t align in Bruce Browne’s favor (He spells it differently. I’d be embarrassed to be related to this guy too). And he didn’t grow up to be a policeman. Or a Navy SEAL. Or even a postal worker. No government jobs for you Bruce Browne.

But Bruce isn’t a quitter. No, he’s a go-getter. So he decided to go-get himself a police uniform, a TSA badge, a “police-type vehicle”, handcuffs and a lot of guns. This explains why he failed police school, because everyone knows the TSA and the police are totally different things. The TSA gets to touch you more.

Browne was arrested in Connecticut yesterday for impersonating an officer and carrying a gun. But Bruce, as a go-getter, wasn’t satisfied to just impersonate a po. He aspires to greater things - like the Coast Guard. And earlier in the day, he commandeered a boat and stopped three different boaters, asking them for their registrations.

Bruce is already out on bail, and definitely plotting his next municipal mimicry. My money’s on National Park Ranger.