04 3 / 2014

          Sometimes it feels like you’re trapped in a glass case of emotion. It’s usually a phone booth or a hamster wheel. But sometimes it’s a real case of emotion/a drywall. And then you’re in trouble.
           Yesterday, a man in his 20s was found trapped in a drywall in an office building in SF. First suspicious thing: he was wearing shorts with “nice” shoes. Nice shoes and shorts? Who does that? The kind of guy that gets a wall built around him. 
           The man was rescued by sledgehammer-wielding firefighters, and gave no reason by he was hanging in the wall. Except he didn’t want to be there, since he was shouting for food and water. But not milk. Milk was a bad choice.

          Sometimes it feels like you’re trapped in a glass case of emotion. It’s usually a phone booth or a hamster wheel. But sometimes it’s a real case of emotion/a drywall. And then you’re in trouble.

           Yesterday, a man in his 20s was found trapped in a drywall in an office building in SF. First suspicious thing: he was wearing shorts with “nice” shoes. Nice shoes and shorts? Who does that? The kind of guy that gets a wall built around him. 

           The man was rescued by sledgehammer-wielding firefighters, and gave no reason by he was hanging in the wall. Except he didn’t want to be there, since he was shouting for food and water. But not milk. Milk was a bad choice.

26 2 / 2014

We all know that Nicholas Cage is the true beacon of liberty in our country. What other land could create a man of wealth and fame out of this character, allow him to buy 57 houses and a castle and then live out his days starring in live action/animated Disney sequels? Only in America. 
And to celebrate this point of light, DJ/event planner Ezra Croft is hosting a Nicholas Cage art show. Not art by him (which would be dazzling) but art of him (which will be something). According to Croft, “Nicholas Cage is an enigma, of misunderstood sex appeal, raw, unfiltered power”. I now feel very in-touch with Croft’s personal sexual preferences. And I would like to say “no thank you” to that.
The show is being met with a flood of submissions of paintings, drawings, digital art and will feature live music as well. Hopefully selections will include rap and EDM songs saluting Nic. 
It’s April 12th in SF if you’re interested. Make sure to check out the event page, which features the actor as Abe Lincoln. 
In conclusion, the internet is magic.

We all know that Nicholas Cage is the true beacon of liberty in our country. What other land could create a man of wealth and fame out of this character, allow him to buy 57 houses and a castle and then live out his days starring in live action/animated Disney sequels? Only in America. 

And to celebrate this point of light, DJ/event planner Ezra Croft is hosting a Nicholas Cage art show. Not art by him (which would be dazzling) but art of him (which will be something). According to Croft, “Nicholas Cage is an enigma, of misunderstood sex appeal, raw, unfiltered power”. I now feel very in-touch with Croft’s personal sexual preferences. And I would like to say “no thank you” to that.

The show is being met with a flood of submissions of paintings, drawings, digital art and will feature live music as well. Hopefully selections will include rap and EDM songs saluting Nic. 

It’s April 12th in SF if you’re interested. Make sure to check out the event page, which features the actor as Abe Lincoln. 

In conclusion, the internet is magic.

10 2 / 2014

           Have you ever gotten a diamond necklace and just felt it was lacking? It didn’t have the shimmer you hoped for, the shine you dreamed of, the sparkle you pined for? 
           Well someone in the design department at Kay Jeweler’s had that unfortunate experience too (probably a Le Vian Chocolate Diamond) and decided to do something about it. Behold: Diamonds in Rhythm. 
           Somehow they have crafted a necklace with a diamond suspended so that is has “continuous movement” allowing for maximum glitter and/or seizures. Basically, it’s a necklace with a wobbly diamond in it. But it’s so …. beautiful. 
           The stunning piece pictured above has just one review so far, but if you base your purchases off the opinions of the 45-54 year old female who received the necklace as gift, you’ll soon be mortgaging your Keurig and selling your Precious Moments on eBay to open up maximum cash flow. These things won’t be around forever.
          According to the review, the necklace gets five stars across the board (value, quality and style) and she “shows everyone and tells them I got it from Kay Jewelers”. She even gets a little greedy and asks that they make more styles. 
          But how can you top the heart within a heart? 

           Have you ever gotten a diamond necklace and just felt it was lacking? It didn’t have the shimmer you hoped for, the shine you dreamed of, the sparkle you pined for? 

           Well someone in the design department at Kay Jeweler’s had that unfortunate experience too (probably a Le Vian Chocolate Diamond) and decided to do something about it. Behold: Diamonds in Rhythm. 

           Somehow they have crafted a necklace with a diamond suspended so that is has “continuous movement” allowing for maximum glitter and/or seizures. Basically, it’s a necklace with a wobbly diamond in it. But it’s so …. beautiful. 

           The stunning piece pictured above has just one review so far, but if you base your purchases off the opinions of the 45-54 year old female who received the necklace as gift, you’ll soon be mortgaging your Keurig and selling your Precious Moments on eBay to open up maximum cash flow. These things won’t be around forever.

          According to the review, the necklace gets five stars across the board (value, quality and style) and she “shows everyone and tells them I got it from Kay Jewelers”. She even gets a little greedy and asks that they make more styles. 

          But how can you top the heart within a heart? 

05 2 / 2014

             Would you want to fight this man? I sure as hell wouldn’t. He has a parental advisory warning. Never good. Also - he is dripping in blood. 
             But there is one man brave enough to take on DMX: Florida Man. Specifically the George Zimmerman variety of Florida Man. 
             There is a plan for a “celebrity match” for someone to punch the shit out of GZ. FIFTEEN THOUSAND people entered, which actually seems pretty low, and DMX was selected as the lucky winner.
             The rapper plans to “beat the living f*** out of him,” followed by “breaking every rule in boxing to make sure I f*** him right up.” Appears to be a robust plan. In case that doesn’t properly crush the neighborhood watchman’s spirits, DMX will then pee on his face. Next steps have yet to be outlined. 
             This event takes an interesting turn when you hear Zimmerman’s take on it: “It was my idea…I was actually going to the gym for weight loss and doing boxing-type training”. Which naturally led to stepping in to the ring to get your buzz cut smashed in by DMX. Originally though, Zimm was shooting even higher and hoping to fight Kanye, since that dude is always “attacking defenseless people”. 
              Sounds familiar…..

** In case you’re interested, some proceeds from the beatdown will go to an animal rescue charity of Zimmerman’s choice. Because he loves puppies.

             Would you want to fight this man? I sure as hell wouldn’t. He has a parental advisory warning. Never good. Also - he is dripping in blood. 

             But there is one man brave enough to take on DMX: Florida Man. Specifically the George Zimmerman variety of Florida Man. 

             There is a plan for a “celebrity match” for someone to punch the shit out of GZ. FIFTEEN THOUSAND people entered, which actually seems pretty low, and DMX was selected as the lucky winner.

             The rapper plans to “beat the living f*** out of him,” followed by “breaking every rule in boxing to make sure I f*** him right up.” Appears to be a robust plan. In case that doesn’t properly crush the neighborhood watchman’s spirits, DMX will then pee on his face. Next steps have yet to be outlined. 

             This event takes an interesting turn when you hear Zimmerman’s take on it: “It was my idea…I was actually going to the gym for weight loss and doing boxing-type training”. Which naturally led to stepping in to the ring to get your buzz cut smashed in by DMX. Originally though, Zimm was shooting even higher and hoping to fight Kanye, since that dude is always “attacking defenseless people”. 

              Sounds familiar…..

** In case you’re interested, some proceeds from the beatdown will go to an animal rescue charity of Zimmerman’s choice. Because he loves puppies.

27 1 / 2014

                  Looking for a Valentine’s Day present? Residents of San Francisco, it’s your lucky day. Or it soon will be. Because if a group of activists gets their way, you can surprise your loved one with the useful and unexpected gift of an HIV-less crack pipe. For free!
                 ”We do it with syringes, and we should be doing it with pipes,” says syringe access coordinator Alli Kraus. Amen sister. Best of luck getting promoted to syringe access manager. I hear you have to pull a lot of strings to get there. 
                 The proposed initiative, recommended by the HIV Prevention Planning Council, supports giving out free crack pipes to help reduce HIV transmissions - similar to a needle exchange. I would think it’d be somewhat difficult to contract HIV via a crack pipe vs. stabbing a needle into your body. Impaling yourself with a crack pipe would probably do it, provided you dunked it in someone else’s blood first. 
             According to the proponents, crack users are twice as likely as non-crack users to get HIV; however this may be attributed to the fact that crack users are on crack and have the itch to attack cars, alligators, velociraptor fossils, sidewalks, their own bodies and sometimes forget to wear condoms. 
           Just a hunch.

                  Looking for a Valentine’s Day present? Residents of San Francisco, it’s your lucky day. Or it soon will be. Because if a group of activists gets their way, you can surprise your loved one with the useful and unexpected gift of an HIV-less crack pipe. For free!

                 ”We do it with syringes, and we should be doing it with pipes,” says syringe access coordinator Alli Kraus. Amen sister. Best of luck getting promoted to syringe access manager. I hear you have to pull a lot of strings to get there. 

                 The proposed initiative, recommended by the HIV Prevention Planning Council, supports giving out free crack pipes to help reduce HIV transmissions - similar to a needle exchange. I would think it’d be somewhat difficult to contract HIV via a crack pipe vs. stabbing a needle into your body. Impaling yourself with a crack pipe would probably do it, provided you dunked it in someone else’s blood first. 

             According to the proponents, crack users are twice as likely as non-crack users to get HIV; however this may be attributed to the fact that crack users are on crack and have the itch to attack cars, alligators, velociraptor fossils, sidewalks, their own bodies and sometimes forget to wear condoms. 

           Just a hunch.

22 1 / 2014

                  I knew something had to give. San Francisco is too perfect. It’s 70 & sunny every day in January. Neighbors warn you about raccoons in the bushes. I have a porch. But then this happened. And I came back down to earth. 
                  That’s right people - there is a Cat Cafe opening in SF. It’s not a pet store and it’s not a cat grooming facility. It’s an actual place for humans (and felines) to consume “healthy blends of exotic teas”. The sadplace will be called KitTea, and according to the founders it will be “part ‘gourmet tea house’ and part ‘cat and human oasis’”. False. If there are cats, it is not an oasis. Look it up.
               The owners are constrained a bit though: No more than 10 cats can be destroying fine china at a time, and all cats must be from a local shelter, so the fleas are complimentary.
             Here are some ideas of how to improve on this business model:
1) Swap the cats for dogs
2) Exchange the high-end tea for draft beer & wine on tap
3) Begin to mint money
            In other news, an all-bacon restaurant just opened in NYC. Just so you know.

                  I knew something had to give. San Francisco is too perfect. It’s 70 & sunny every day in January. Neighbors warn you about raccoons in the bushes. I have a porch. But then this happened. And I came back down to earth. 

                  That’s right people - there is a Cat Cafe opening in SF. It’s not a pet store and it’s not a cat grooming facility. It’s an actual place for humans (and felines) to consume “healthy blends of exotic teas”. The sadplace will be called KitTea, and according to the founders it will be “part ‘gourmet tea house’ and part ‘cat and human oasis’”. False. If there are cats, it is not an oasis. Look it up.

               The owners are constrained a bit though: No more than 10 cats can be destroying fine china at a time, and all cats must be from a local shelter, so the fleas are complimentary.

             Here are some ideas of how to improve on this business model:

1) Swap the cats for dogs

2) Exchange the high-end tea for draft beer & wine on tap

3) Begin to mint money

            In other news, an all-bacon restaurant just opened in NYC. Just so you know.

13 1 / 2014

                Did I see this movie 14 times in the theater as a 5th grader? Possibly. Was my first email address rosedawson53@hotmail.com? Definitely. Is this upsetting due to the fact that rosedawson 1-52 were already taken? Absolutely. 
              Guess who else agrees with me on the glorious epic that is the beautiful, yet tragic tale of the Titanic? China. They know what’s up. It is in no way the lead poisoning talking.
               Sichuan Seven Star Investment Energy Group, which may or may not be a restaurant masquerading as a cruise ship posing as a hedge fund while actually being an energy company, is planning on building a life-sized Titanic replica and sinking simulation to sit in a lake in a remote region of China. What is it’s purpose? To “inspire responsibility” - because nothing says responsible like dropping $170 million to build a fake, highly sinkable ship. 
                No word yet on if said project includes full ownership of the Heart of the Ocean and/or Billy Zane’s soul - but if so, then maybe they’re on to something.

                Did I see this movie 14 times in the theater as a 5th grader? Possibly. Was my first email address rosedawson53@hotmail.com? Definitely. Is this upsetting due to the fact that rosedawson 1-52 were already taken? Absolutely. 

              Guess who else agrees with me on the glorious epic that is the beautiful, yet tragic tale of the Titanic? China. They know what’s up. It is in no way the lead poisoning talking.

               Sichuan Seven Star Investment Energy Group, which may or may not be a restaurant masquerading as a cruise ship posing as a hedge fund while actually being an energy company, is planning on building a life-sized Titanic replica and sinking simulation to sit in a lake in a remote region of China. What is it’s purpose? To “inspire responsibility” - because nothing says responsible like dropping $170 million to build a fake, highly sinkable ship. 

                No word yet on if said project includes full ownership of the Heart of the Ocean and/or Billy Zane’s soul - but if so, then maybe they’re on to something.

06 1 / 2014

         Little did I know that slipping was a problem for people. Banana peels, black ice, Gak, baby drool, Jello - you can slip on all these things. And lucky for us, Sketchers, quite aware of the dangers lurking beneath our feet, has crafted slip-resistant Shape Ups, so you can strut your stuff while staying upright. 
            Some might say these resemble nurse shoes. I would. As would most nurses. But they are cool because Sketchers makes them. Ask any of the nine reviewers on the site (all of whom list one word in their “About Me” section: Conservative)
—   “like walking on pillows” How often do you walk on pillows? Are you a creepy night stalker who tiptoes across people’s beds? Or are you constantly playing a game where you pretend the floor is hot lava?
—   “i wish they had more brown options” Don’t we all? I actively spend time every day wishing there were more brown in my wardrobe. 
       And then I remember I don’t live in a gulag.

         Little did I know that slipping was a problem for people. Banana peels, black ice, Gak, baby drool, Jello - you can slip on all these things. And lucky for us, Sketchers, quite aware of the dangers lurking beneath our feet, has crafted slip-resistant Shape Ups, so you can strut your stuff while staying upright. 

            Some might say these resemble nurse shoes. I would. As would most nurses. But they are cool because Sketchers makes them. Ask any of the nine reviewers on the site (all of whom list one word in their “About Me” section: Conservative)

—   “like walking on pillows” How often do you walk on pillows? Are you a creepy night stalker who tiptoes across people’s beds? Or are you constantly playing a game where you pretend the floor is hot lava?

—   “i wish they had more brown options” Don’t we all? I actively spend time every day wishing there were more brown in my wardrobe. 

       And then I remember I don’t live in a gulag.

11 12 / 2013

                 Welcome to Oregon! A land of many things: meth mouth, a Trail, the single largest organism in the world (it’s a fungus - don’t get excited), a vacuum museum and 44 shiny new enrollees for Obamacare. In the entire state. Since October 1.
               This isn’t so bad, right? There’s like 76 people that live in Oregon - so more than half signed up. You’re doing great, Beaver State. Oh, there are 3.9 million people there? They must be hiding under the fungus. Never mind then. You have done a terrible job.
                And it’s not due to lack of trying. If trying means throwing bitcoins and hundred dollar bills into a vortex of Free Willy stuffed animals and paper registration forms. Because the state has spent $300 million dollars on getting people to sign up. 
            If I’m one of those 44 people registered, here’s what I’m expecting from my health insurance:
             - Massages
            - Fragrances
            - Mimosas
            - Fine leather goods
            - An Audi R8
            - Patrick Dempsey to be my primary care physician
            I guess the medical marijuana there is so good, nobody needs doctors anymore. Go Ducks!

             

                 

                 Welcome to Oregon! A land of many things: meth mouth, a Trail, the single largest organism in the world (it’s a fungus - don’t get excited), a vacuum museum and 44 shiny new enrollees for Obamacare. In the entire state. Since October 1.

               This isn’t so bad, right? There’s like 76 people that live in Oregon - so more than half signed up. You’re doing great, Beaver State. Oh, there are 3.9 million people there? They must be hiding under the fungus. Never mind then. You have done a terrible job.

                And it’s not due to lack of trying. If trying means throwing bitcoins and hundred dollar bills into a vortex of Free Willy stuffed animals and paper registration forms. Because the state has spent $300 million dollars on getting people to sign up. 

            If I’m one of those 44 people registered, here’s what I’m expecting from my health insurance:

             - Massages

            - Fragrances

            - Mimosas

            - Fine leather goods

            - An Audi R8

            - Patrick Dempsey to be my primary care physician

            I guess the medical marijuana there is so good, nobody needs doctors anymore. Go Ducks!

             

                 

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20 11 / 2013

           ”Cancel” is what Hawaii state Rep. Tom Brower (D) would like to do to homeless people in Hawaii. Sadly, you can’t just click on things in the real world to cancel them. You have to use force. And for Tom, that means a sledgehammer. Actually. If I were in Hawaii and needed to destroy something, I would just smash it with a coconut. Or feed it Spam.
               Brower’s plan to eliminate homelessness in his state involves the following steps: 1) Find sledgehammer 2) Find homeless people 3) Smash the shopping carts they store their possessions in 4) Wear a lei 5) Repeat 30 times.
             To recap, people are homeless because there are too many shopping carts. I often find myself outside of Super Target, staring longingly at the red vessels. And I think, why sleep in a bed when I could push street debris around in one of those? The thrill of the open road calls to me. And then I take a deep breath and go home.
          According to Brower, the rationale behind his smashfest was to “do something practical that will really clean up the streets”. Because the more pieces the cart is in, the cleaner the street is. You can just step on the pieces. No one will notice. And then the homeless person has no cart, so he has to find a home and a job and clean up his act. It’s just how things work in Hawaii.
             Or else Smoke Monster eats you. And your cart.

           ”Cancel” is what Hawaii state Rep. Tom Brower (D) would like to do to homeless people in Hawaii. Sadly, you can’t just click on things in the real world to cancel them. You have to use force. And for Tom, that means a sledgehammer. Actually. If I were in Hawaii and needed to destroy something, I would just smash it with a coconut. Or feed it Spam.

               Brower’s plan to eliminate homelessness in his state involves the following steps: 1) Find sledgehammer 2) Find homeless people 3) Smash the shopping carts they store their possessions in 4) Wear a lei 5) Repeat 30 times.

             To recap, people are homeless because there are too many shopping carts. I often find myself outside of Super Target, staring longingly at the red vessels. And I think, why sleep in a bed when I could push street debris around in one of those? The thrill of the open road calls to me. And then I take a deep breath and go home.

          According to Brower, the rationale behind his smashfest was to “do something practical that will really clean up the streets”. Because the more pieces the cart is in, the cleaner the street is. You can just step on the pieces. No one will notice. And then the homeless person has no cart, so he has to find a home and a job and clean up his act. It’s just how things work in Hawaii.

             Or else Smoke Monster eats you. And your cart.