Let’s play a little game called “Guess the inner monologue.”
Mittens: This grin pains me. I can’t believe I only beat you by 8 FUCKING votes in Iowa. If only Joseph Smith were still alive he would smite you down.
Santorum: White power!
Willy Geist on Morning Joe has resorted to asking Iowa caucusgoers: “Could you live with Rick Santorum as a nominee?” Could you? Unclear if he means live with him in your home or live with him as the “challenger” to Obama. I guess I’d pick…neither? Although it could be fun to throw darts at him.
Luckily, Mittens eked out a win by 8 votes, which means that the retirement home in Atalissa, IA managed to get a driver for the extra van they just got repaired. Congratulations Mitt! You got the votes of just over 30,000 people. That’s less than half of the enrollment at Ohio State. Well-done, Mittski. As people exited the voting, many were asked what they liked about him. Number one answer: electability. So…you hate him. At least they have their values in line: Herman Cain only got 58 votes.
I think it’s time to retire the Iowa caucuses. And potentially the state of Iowa as well. But we can still have 50 states. We’ll just tear Long Island off New York state and send it out to sea. I wonder if we can somehow reattach the Hamptons to the continent. I’ll put Rick Perry in charge of that one. With 12,604 votes in Iowa, looks like he’s going to need something to keep him occupied.
